When i rolled into my University life, falling in love never crossed my mind. I was way to stressed about literally everything; being hundreds of kilometres away from home; the social anxiety at its peak and just surviving hostel life. Furthermore after a complete glance on the entire line-up of boys in the class I couldn’t really point at a person and say ”yeah that boy is gonna be my crush”. Just a heads up, i’m gay and in a very homophobic country. None of my crushes before this have been successful so why start a new one………yeah right i fell in love again.
It was in the start of December, a month and a fortnight after the start of Uni. There was this guy, Farooq whom i had never conversed with (granted i didn’t get to talk to most of my fellows at that point) started to talk to me about how they pranked one of their fellows when he was sleeping last night. I just listened to him as he went on, that was the first time he ever talked to me. But I didn’t really fell in love, maybe it was a spark that led to the forest fire later.
We had a party; a welcome party, few days after. I forced a fake smile throughout the night as I don’t enjoy public gathering and stuff but that night we had a group photo shoot. He was standing right besides me. After we were done, he came very close to me and whispered in my ear that he can see the bra of a girl who is right in front of us. I, of course, couldn’t give single f*** but he talked to me intimately right there and I guess that was it. I was in love with this guy.
I didn’t know anything about this guy, just that his name is Farooq and he isn’t too bright in studies but he is confident and extroverted although he isn’t loud or obnoxious enough to be annoying. His charisma is magnetic and he can easily become the center of attention. I can’t say much about his looks, he is handsome but hey i’m in love with him so he might appear 100x more attractive to me now. He’s a few inches taller than me (i’m a short boi), light brown skin, facial hairs that really suit him. Slim, not too muscular but not near skinny. Compare to me, a lack of thicc booty but hey i’m a bottom, i can compensate. Anyways a genuinely good looking guy coupled with charismatic personality. However, i didn’t really know what he likes, what are his hobbies, or anything about him but still fell in love.
Days and nights after that party he was on my mind. Sitting in the same classroom was agonizing. I just wanted to attract his attention towards me but it was really difficult even though i was going out of my ”hermit” ways of life.
After a week we were assigned our first assignment and were randomly grouped with eachother, 3 people in one group. As our teacher was announcing the groups my heart was pounding hard. When my teacher said that ”with x**(my name) there will be…….” he began to think and i was praying please god let it be farooq please…a few seconds after ”farooq”. My mind f****** exploded this is some anime level plot convenience. Of course i ended up with the guy i recently fell in love with. Along with him there was this other guy in our team but he’s not important. We had around 10 days to work on that assignment. We never really talked about it, what’s the plan or who’s gonna do what because 10 days were a lot. That weekend was possibly my first weekend I stayed in my hostel and didn’t go home. As i stayed there, i worked on my assignment all solo. On Saturday he called me, i hate people calling me without texting, i hate phone calls and i surely would hate talking to my crush on the phone because i’m awkward on phone. So obviously i didn’t pick it up…..he texted me later that I should start working on it and he’ll join me on Sunday. He told me to come to his room at 4.pm on Sunday. Yesterday came and so did I before going to his room because i wanted my mind to clear. Pocket full of gums, i came to his room, he opened it, i walked in and then he LOCKED THE ROOM. There is something about locking doors that seem s*** to me idk. Anyways we started working on the assignment. A minute later, i offered him a bubble gum, i mean what else screams f*** me louder than giving bubble gums exclusively to one person (i regularly gave him bubble gums every now and then). As much as lucky i was to be in the same team as him, i also unfortunately had a bad flu. With totally clogged nose, my voice was really awkward. I legit excused myself out of the room so i could clear my f****** nose because i didn’t want to gross him out with the colossal filth filled in my nares. Anyways that sweat filled alone time with him was underwhelming, we only talked business and nothing else. Look, i’m awkward but not that awkward but around him my social anxiety evolves like magikarp into gyrados.
The rest of assignment stuff was also nothing worth mentioning, I got a lot of moments with him but all were work related. And then day of giving that assignment in the form a presentation came. We all arrived in the class except him. I had to call him to be urgent, this was the first time i called him or ever exchange a dialogue with him on the phone. The first and so far the only time. Well arrived and looked jeezus christ so hot in the suit. Our presentation went really well. After the presentations we walked out of the class and….he grabbed my hand to congratulate me, i held on to it. It was a handhold people a f****** handhold. I wish i could feel the warmth of his hand, the tips of his fingers rubbing on my palms for hours but Alas! that short lived moment will live forever in my mind.
Weeks after weeks went by and my love for him only grew stronger. I started to see his face in strangers, his thoughts being the first thing in my mind every morning and last at every night. All that war going inside my mind but still I couldn’t express it at all whenever he was around me.
At this point, I couldn’t take it anymore. Everyday i’ll go to university only to see his face and maybe by grace of god get to talk to him. There was no way and no point of falling out of love. He was the point of my life and what would i even do if he was not my first priority. The thing is I tried so much but he still wouldn’t notice me. That phase is what i’d call the the stagnation with the flavor of depression phase.
However one faithful night all of us were given some agonizing work to draw a map of a certain building. All of us in one big room late at night worked our asses off. I for a long time just looked around. I went to Farooq, stood across his table, said nothing. He was really tired and he then laid down on the table, resting his head on my belly……..MOTHERFOKIN WUT.
I stood shooketh to my core, all still. Then I don’t know why and how but my sweat-drenched hand were lifted off from the table and straight into his hair…I begin the twirl my fingers around, playing with hair. This little game turned into a massage session as I began rest my hand on his head to feel every little texture as possible. His hair smelled so good. With every passing moment by hands were getting more lively and less nervous as they pulled and swirled his hair while gently pressing and tapping on his head. Slowly I began to crawl down to his face. Warm, scratchy and hard skin. I pulled his cheek, slid down my fingers down the bridge of his nose and jumped to massage his chin. From there worked my way across the sides of head to his ears. My hands began to get more and more liberal as they began to frolick all around his face. I also ventured down his neck into his shoulder and back up. Here and there, i’d take peek at his crotch to see the proof of how much he is enjoying it, my eyes were left unquenched.
This incident still feels strange to me. Our last physical encounter was a mere seconds handhold but this felt too much and too early. Mind you i didn’t even realize how big of a jump it was for quite some days . But to say that this massage was left unreciprocated would be an understatement. To this day i feel like nothing changed because of it. He might’ve even forgotten about it.
A lot of one-sided love heartbreaks and whatnot later: So our first semester was coming to a close, the fourth and final month was marked by our final exams. Because of these exams I did not go home; which i usually did every week or sometimes after two weeks. In this month I literally became his neighbor and i’d see his face way too often. Sometimes he’d walk into my room just to take my breaths away and then go. My exams were taking a portion of my mind so it was good that he wasn’t the only thing i’d think about now. However it was the weekend before our last exam. All 3 of my roommates went home. So i hung out with him and 2 of his friends, one of which was already my friend. That eve i felt really tired. I laid down on my bed. He was also in my room lying one bed apart. It was the time, I wanted to say something to him, about my social anxiety and that i had depression. I thought maybe being vulnerable will lay down the walls between us and so i did, well after spending eternity thinking and calculating if this was a good idea. I said, (paraphrasing) : ”hey farooq did you notice that i don’t talk much”.
”yes” he replied. ”Well i have social anxiety”. ”What’s that?” he asked. ”Well imagine you’re suddenly called on a stage in front of many people, you will feel anxious right?”
”No, but maybe just a little confused” that motherfucking MAAAN replied. ”Well my life is just that 24 hours stage pressure and fright like i;m being watched by people and i have to perform all that time”….i went on and on eventually talking about suicide thoughts, i could’ve worded it better but i opened up to him. It was dead silence that followed. That night the 4 of us went to for a dinner we chatted a lot. And 4 of us decided to sleep together…as in sleeping not f******.
I must say that was a bad decision. That night the three of them talked about DA GURLZ. I felt isolated and alienated. You see growing up as a gay closeted boy in a homophobic country isn’t easy. I can’t never come out and never love someone. Them talking about what girls they’ll date in the coming semester and how will they flirt kinda had me heartbroken. I was lying under the sheets, lights off as they went on and on. Farooq talked about how he is trying to marry this girl he’s in love with f****** broke me. I knew it all along that he is straight, i mean who isn’t and him and i will never be a thing. But i can pretend and i can dream, don’t shatter me like that. I can’t spend 4 years with him in uni like this, i can’t move on when i have to see him every day and night. But all that vortex going inside my mind rendered me sick the very next day. I woke up next morning ran back to my room, and cried my heart out. I needed that to feel a little less emotional burden. I’ve been in uni/hostel for a month now. I was tired and just wanted to go home.
That day came very soon when all of us said our goodbyes. I got to give him a very little traditional hug. I wish i could stop the time there but this was the first time i wanted him to go. And our first semester came to a close. My 2nd semester was supposed to be a brand new beginning but Corona f****** happened. Alsoalso Farooq also shared a very homophobic video where a b**** complains how woman march is spreading bAd tHiNgS in our country such as homosexuality yaddi yaddi yadda. There you go…for quite sometime i prayed to god that farooq should give a reason to hate him so i could snap out of love. He did many times but i can never come to hate him. I still think about him. His name still draws all of my attention. IDK where this uni life will go but i have a strong feeling that i will have to come out as gay and face the music for being something i had no choice over..