I had a hard question today. He asked me what turned me on. It seemed like an easy answer, and though we’re both taken, I indulged him. After thinking for a while, I told him the things I liked, the ways I enjoyed pleasing others. The things I can do.
“But what do you like?”
The question struck me like an arrow. For the first time, I realized all my “desires” were serving other people. It hadn’t occurred to me that my needs had never been cared for. I realized, rather tragically, that I don’t get my needs indulged. I never have.. it was such a foreign concept that once I really grasped it, I had to admit I didn’t have an answer. I sat rather glumly. Im SO used to trying to please others, being used by others, being thrown away, or ignored. Especially as a cam girl, I’m just a spectacle. I’m a toy. No one really asked before what I was genuinely interested In.. like, with sincerity..
I still feel so shocked at the simplicity with which he disarmed me. And the stupid feelings that welled up inside me… He’s taken, for fucks sake. Sure he flirted with me, and sure, we are both so alike, and sure, we are both in unfulfilling relationships with people were s******* incompatible with… but we both know nothing is gonna happen. Nothing CAN happen. It’s just pretend.
It’s always been pretend.
My whole life, satisfaction has been and always will be.. just.. pretend.
