Conversation with Gemini
i hate my height i hate my voice i hate my broad shoulders i hate how big my feet are i hate hate body hair i extra hate my voice i hate my face i hate my chin i hate my hands i hate my name i hate myself because nothing feels right at all. i feel like my soul was forcefully put into a different body than what it was destined for. the thought that if i was born a girl everything, EVERYTHING would be gone. but no. if god is real he is cruel. I’m so tired of crying every night. I’m so tired of always slouching to look shorter. I’m tired of being unable to look in mirrors. I’m tired of cutting leg hair with scissors and boxcutters without having any other choice. I’m tired of being unable to look down in the shower. I’m tired of having to wear two pairs of underwear. I’m tired of always getting s*** for how long my hair is. I’m tired of wearing jackets in texas summer. I’m tired of wanting to disappear. I’m tired of worrying about the government making it illegal to live. I’m tired of worrying about my family not being at my wedding. I’m tired of being here. the universe is so fucked sick. i want to vomit anytime i think of just how little of a change wouldve fixed this– would’ve fixed me. i feel so hopeless. i feel so giant. i feel so breathless. i feel so tired. so so tired. I don’t think this life is even worth living anymore. i just want to be a girl. some days it physically burns. I can feel my chest burning. like I’m choking on hot coals. it just isn’t fair. I’m on the verge of tears constantly. anytime I’m told to “man up” for doing literally anything I start feeling physically dizzy. my head starts pounding. it’s been getting harder to even get up every morning. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it much longer. I can feel my spirit leaving my body little by little every day. every second I feel less like myself. I don’t even think a “myself” even exists. I like to think there’s someone else out there, who was meant for this body as I was meant for theirs. sorta like soulmates in a way. in a sick fucked up way.
