When I was young, my cousins came to live with my grandparents from Florida. Two boys and one girl. And then another came to stay there a lot. He was a year older. I was there almost daily with my mom. We were all around 8 – 12 at the time. All of them must have been se**** abused or at least exposed to way too much. I had never been exposed to anything like this. My parents were young and this was in the 80s. I was told little to nothing about these things. We were left alone most of time and any time we wanted we could go off alone to wherever. They’d play with each other’s privates and suk each other off. And I got involved in the same with them. I then did the same with my older cousin and then my own brother. It felt really wrong. It felt too, like everyone there was doing it and I was the outsider for feeling this way. It fks with my mind until this very day. I’m in my 40s, married with a baby. I apologized to my brother a while back as adults, explaining that I didn’t know the implications of what was happening and what I did with him. No one was forced to do anything but my brother was 3-4 years younger, so it feels like a statutory. Sxul stuff happened twice with him, including Pen once. I immediately felt terrible and never touched him again. I always was his protector in everything else but that overshadows everything in my mind. I knew I wasn’t gay but my hormones were insane even at 10. After masterb a few times, I felt like I would have literally Fkd anything. My female cousin wasn’t left alone with us much at all but I was much more attracted to her and fantasized about her, even when it was my male cousins. I wish they never came here. My mother’s side of the family was so messed up and I felt taken into it all. I wish we were all protected better. There were actually other friends of mine, popular kids, that tried to seduce me into or offered sxul favors a few years later. By then I knew better, on my own, and was not at all into the idea. I’ve felt like a terrible person for this all of my life. I felt like a kid lost in a world of madness. I want to finally forgive myself, but I still can’t. People in my family have now heard about it and I feel so ostracized. Even 30 some years later. I should have told on them and stopped it all before getting involved. God, Please forgive me for my part in it. I was suicidal and drank on it so hard for so many years. I no longer do that and I try to keep my mental health in line.
