Understanding the “Obsession” and Intensity.
1. Lack of Emotional Outlets
Because your social anxiety limits your interactions with the outside world (Walmart, phone calls, etc.), your friends aren’t just companions; they are your entire social and emotional ecosystem.
• High-Stakes Connection: When all your emotional eggs are in one or two baskets, the success of those relationships feels like the difference between emotional well-being and total isolation. This makes you cling to the relationship and analyze every interaction, which feels like obsession.
• Idealization: You might subconsciously idealize the person you are in love with, seeing them as the only source of validation, happiness, and safety. This intense focus creates the feeling of being “not normal.”
Putting Others Before Your Needs (Co-dependence)
•This is often called co-dependence, which is a pattern where you prioritize the needs of others (the person you love) above your own.
•Seeking Validation: You focus on serving their needs, hoping that your efforts will make you indispensable or worthy of their love and attention. Your self-worth becomes tied to their perception of you.
• Fear of Abandonment: If you don’t focus on their needs, you might fear they will leave. This fear drives the excessive focus and self-sacrifice.
Distress When Expectations Aren’t Met
•The part where you “get upset” when things don’t go the way you want or feel is correct is key.
•The Emotional Bargain: When you constantly put someone else first, it often creates an unspoken, one-sided “bargain”: “I will sacrifice my needs for you, and in return, you must behave in a way that proves I am loved and secure.”
•The Reaction: When they inevitably fail to meet your precise (and often unspoken) emotional needs, the bargain is broken. The distress you feel is not just about the specific incident; it’s a huge surge of fear, abandonment, and frustration because your primary source of safety and validation is suddenly threatened.
•What You Can Do Moving Forward
It’s important to recognize that these are learned emotional patterns, and you have the power to change them.
•Work on Self-Worth (Separate from Them): Practice identifying your needs and feelings independently. Your worth is not determined by how much you do for the person you love or how they respond to you. Start small by asking yourself: What do I need right now (a break, quiet time, a specific type of food)?
•Challenge the “Shoulds”: The feeling that something “doesn’t go the way I want or feel is correct” is often rooted in rigid expectations (the “shoulds”). Practice challenging those thoughts: It’s okay if they choose to do something else. Their choice doesn’t mean they love me less.
•Address the Root Cause (Social Anxiety): The obsessive pattern is a symptom of your social world being too small. The best way to reduce the intensity of focus on one person is to expand your circle of safety. This doesn’t mean becoming a party animal; it means gradually tackling the easier parts of your social anxiety.
•Next Steps: Since this involves both anxiety and attachment patterns, the most effective path is often with a professional. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) are highly effective at providing practical tools to manage anxiety, challenge obsessive thoughts, and build healthier relationship boundaries.
💜 A.I. is quite helpful!
I have some things to discuss in therapy. 🫣