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And another thing, you are absolutely terrified of true intimacy, of being vulnerable with someone. You can’t truly open your heart. You have this “get them before they get me” mentality because of it too. So you lash out at even the smallest of hurts, which most of those are in your head anyway, because again you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, so you can tell yourself you were right. It’s like you feel most comfortable around people and in situations, that you know, aren’t capable of that kind of connection with you and that’s why you are so freakin’ miserable. Because you really need that kind of connection with someone. Maybe you should work on that, good luck with the new distraction, maybe she’s the one because I do hope you find that.

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My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.