Getting the basic off first.

f*** u imgur and f*** u reddit. auto delete the post cause of some bulltshit reddit rule. F*** off. Yall here that I just found now cause of google can have it.

1 deleting this account the second I post. If I cant delete it, f*** it. I’ll logoff and forget its credentials.

2 I’m not at the, how my command/military calls the ‘BIG SAD.’ I’m not a sucidal person or one that is normally depressed. F*** I dont know what that s*** is suppose to feel like or if I even have some characteristics right now; like a contsant state of sadeness or something? I dont f****** know.

3. I’m just here to data dump a f*** ton, mentally. I ain’t here to commit treason. Still like to get paid thank you very much.

4.i dunno. this might be more of a vent than confession. delete this post if it doesnt fit. i do not care

5.If it feels like I’m coming off as insulting, I apologize to a degree. Would like to think its just the crew being a bad influence on me but i think the military as a whole has altered how I act and talk. So sorry not sorry. I’m deleting this account anyway so yall can use your internet points to make yourself feel good. Insult me back, right as paragrapoh insult back. I dont give a f*** dipshit. I’m leaving this pile of crap here, yall can take it or skip past or f****** get a mod to delete it.

TL:DR. I am a walking p************ that probably and most likely derseved to die, I cant contrubite jack s*** to my ship/division but I’m still here I guess.

My entire life is a huge f*** up and its my fault becasue I was young, immature and didn’t realize the opportunity my parents gave me until its too late. Had the opportunity to get my bachelor’s degree. Didn’t. Shot my f****** self in the foot there. Didn’t even tall my parents bout me dropping out till it was too late and made my mom cry. Got a f****** useless associates degree so I can technically prove i went to college. Military paid me more for my college credits so yay i guess.

I was getting old. Not like holy s*** old , but old. My dad probably get that sense too. Hes the once that helped me go to the recruiters office. Wasn’t as wrecked like my mom was when I told him about college. Lot more understanding for a dude that literally burned his f****** money than I thought he be.

Life got a tad better but now im here. Im out of my parents house and am fully supporting myself. Parents don’t have to suffer a failure of a son and a walking dissapointment that I am. Still don’t get why they had me. My brother is essentially a f****** doctor. The DUDE is a doctor. I am a college dropout that wasted his parents money, doesnt even have a degree, and to top it off, is a scrub-a** useless motherfucking enlisted scrub that cant even do his job.

Guys in my division nearly 7 years younger than me are doing a better job than I am. I already have a f****** counseling chit cause thats how much i f****** s*** at my job. Barely understand anything in my work area, which is probably entiurely my fault. I have no passion or motiviation for this crap. I signed up to be an IT. Military said f*** you we have a b******* merger thing and actually ur a f****** etr. radioman. F****** fine. Still get a paycheck. Finished deployment, probably most miserable part of my life but I guess I a ‘real sailor’ or some dumb crap.

Technially qualified but the guys still treat me the same. Totally feel like im a vital part of the crew, which I’m not. Can’t do my job, can barley manage the room by myself, keep f****** up my maintinantce, my senior probably f****** hates me cause i don’t know s***. Gets pissed at me if i forget how to do something, which happens more than you think, or ask him for help too much. acusses me of having adhd. Says sorry one day and goes right back to being the narcissictic prick that will do ANYTHING to make himself look good for that sweet advancement. the dude has adhd, bad. f****** smart but just high octane. I’m pretty sure I have a short term memory problem. Forget things at the worst possible moments if I lose focus or forget to set reminders and all that. Annoying and i hate it and hate myself for not displining my mind.

I feel like dead weight cause i am. I prove nothing vital to the ship, its crew, and my division. I might be paranaoid but im also probably the f****** laughing stock of my division for being the most useless person ever. I am a f****** loser. Old-ish, no degree. can’t do anything right. no friends, single (is that even a thing to be ashamed of? i dont know. I dont have a desire to start a lovely dovey relationship, but it would be nice to have an actual friend. I never tried so again its my fault), a s***** a** enlisted f*** instead of a damn officer like i could of been if I just sucked it the f*** up for an extra year. but no. P**** a** civilian me found it too difficult to study even though I HAD THE INTERNET AT MY FINGER TIPS, tutors, the professor that I can f****** email at any time. Nope. Civilian me needed his offtime as if i didn’t have enough of that s*** back then. Instead of me being in the wardroom, I’m here. I dont even care about the officer at this point. I dont have what it takes to f****** lead. A loser like me cant lead others. I just want my f****** degree and also my retirement from the military. f*** the sta21, just let me get my degree so my mom has something to be proud of.

i hate my life, dislike my job, dislike that one guy in my division, f*** yourself you adhd f***, hate the decisions and actions that led me here. If I never existed, my parents would be happy. My older brother is a f****** doctor. Thats good s***. I am a failure. A good for nothing loser that has done nothing right and has nothing to show. Just another f****** p************ in the enlisted cog wheel. Dont get me wrong tho. Military is nice. Roof under my head, free electricity, water. Life is f****** good, but then work comes around.

I feel useless cause I am. I cant do anything. My division probably hates me and makes fun of me cause of it. If i died/killed myself the next day it would affect nothing on my ship outside of the monumental paperwork the yoemans will have to go through. Been actually having thoughts. Like man, that peir water. Its winter and its f****** cold. All I gotta do is dive in, siwn down and breath a lungful and thatll be it. My life is probably at a dead end now or I’m realizing how much of a worthless human being I truly am now. I don’t f****** know if things will get better.

No one cares about me so why f****** bother tell them all of the above here plus some? Sure my chief probably cares but its his f****** JOB to care about me and the others. Everything I said is probably just me being a realy huge p**** and I need to the ‘2023’ version of manning the f*** up.

S*** s****. I f****** hate it even more when I’m standing watch and I have nothing else to think about except this. Am I going to talk to Doc/chaps/whoever? Most likely not. They do not give a s*** about me and my livelihood cause I am probably just being a little b****. Am I going to kill myself. Well like right right now. No. F*** no. Can’t help but have those thoughts tho.

I guess the short n sweet is s*** s**** and I s*** and I dont like sucking and my job and certain people arent making it better. Blows man but least i’m getting paid. Last thing and I’ll f*** off. Secret I have never told anyone. Reason why I like video games so f****** much is cause it makes the pain go away. I play that s***, everything just melts away and im the happiest m*********** on the planet. Also im probably f****** addicted to it but least im not an acoholic/smoker/vaper/that one guy who’s half ink.