Let’s get something straight once and for all, Gretchen wasn’t my happy pill, she was just a good actress. Whether or not any of it was real I don’t really care about at this point because it wasn’t what I thought it was and that makes it unreal.

I Am naturally happy-go-lucky as long as everyone gets out of my way and leaves me alone, I love this Earth and the forest and the sky and the Sun and the water in the soil. I was happy with Gretchen for a moment because I thought that I had a partner and someone who understood and saw the things that I do, but that wasn’t the case and she was beneath me. I also was probably beneath her in certain ways although it’s hard to tell because I don’t know if anything was real. If she was planted and if she was hired and that’s who paid for at least one semester of her school, then you and her are cursed no matter your intentions.

However to keep this from being black magic, you are only cursed if God wills it, but at the very minimum you must experience the karmic blowback for what you did. If she was a plant I will admit that she was very convincing, although all she really had to do was be pretty and follow my lead and love animals and simple things and I would have bought the scenario. However she was a huge distraction from my life’s work and I wish more than anything that I could strike that entire experience from my life record. The incredible experiences I would have had if I had stayed on my own and I would still have my Leo and Lela.

You and her still the best years of my life, and drained all of my energy.

I was building up to something very important at least in my current estimation, and you wiped it all out.

And what’s worse is I let you.

If I had been able to remain focused, the amount of people that we could have healed, my little obsidian family and I, would have been enormous. And then those people would take that message and virally spread it out throughout the whole world until humans were able to manage their own affairs with just food, sunshine, clean air, fresh spring water, and all the materials of the Earth, married to technology in such a way that it is win win For All.

I was testing Gretchen the entire time to see if she had What it took to merit my long-term efforts, and though I got sucked in and lost control myself, it was very obvious that she did not have what it took and that’s why I allowed source to tear us to pieces. I’m sure that she thinks that she broke up with me and a manner suitable for her safety, but at each turn I didn’t do the actions that it would have taken to keep her around because she wasn’t worth it and didn’t deserve it. Yes I was tired of being alone, but with Gretchen I was just alone with a partner.

Getting over her has been one of the greatest things to happen to me in the past 8 years, and the reason that I don’t go looking for another partner is because I doubt there is anyone out there worthwhile. I have interacted with so many people in my life, and I have not met a single one who I would choose as my partner. No one shares my values, and no one appears to see what I see, and why should I not have what I want when it is so beneficial for all. If I cannot have what I want, then I am satisfied to serve humanity while simultaneously keeping them at a distance. And how can it be otherwise, when there appears to be no one like myself.

If humanity was wiped out tomorrow and I were the only one left on an earth that still contained trees, and flowers, and animals, and sunshine, and spring water, I would be profoundly happy to live out my life that way.

I of course desire a partner aligned with my most important core values, but this world is so magical with its flora and non-human fauna alone, that I would remain entertained through myriad lifetimes. Or, being without any way to come back here, through the remainder of this present life.

You’ve all been offered a chance that existence I guess, but it probably isn’t a given. Everything that has started can also be restarted. My entire stay here you have fought me and are destroying everything I love, everything I value, and your tormenting my children. Even those of you on my side supposedly, are abusing my world in so many different ways. What am I to do?

Those teonanctl I ate at 19 revealed to me a perfect plan, but I can’t see it anymore. All I can do is try and relieve whatever suffering I can each day and try to reach for truth and light, but it’s very discouraging, and I just wanted to get to work cleaning up this planet if we’re going to be stuck here.

I will continue to behave myself, and try and be friendly and kind to everyone, and try to feel out or sleuth out what it is you all want from me, But realize that everyday is sacrificed because I don’t have any desires anymore. Until all the world’s suffering is relieved there is no true Joy, unless Joy is requisite to relieve all the world’s suffering. But that is an extremely obnoxious catch 22. And I’d really appreciate it if we could get to the point.