so all things being equal, i’d prefer to be a girl, or at least not a guy (there are some who would argue that I *am* a girl, right now, I don’t think my gender works like that even if i did transition)
the problem with that is that in reality, while i’d push the magical red “make me grill” button without thinking about it, such buttons do not exist in reality. what does exist in reality is immense amount of commitment, struggle and work (and money) to approximate maybe 50% of the magic make me grill button, maybe 70% if im lucky, 30% if im not. Add to this my innate perfectionism and self-consciousness (which is bad enough without constantly thinking about my body and how it falls short of what i’d like it be, and no amount of body positivity is going to help here – sure i could work my a** off to be a relatively cute and feminine 6’2 big bodied lady, and there’s a good chance i’d succeed (i already have the t****** and a** for it) but that’s a lot of work for something that isn’t actually what i want which is to be a 4’11 smol fairy e-girl who gets about 20 d*** pics a day. I’m exactly the type of person that the TERFs would try to use as some “fetishistic autogynephic MAN”, and while I should kill the terfs inside my head (and in a perfect world, the ones outside my head too), that doesn’t change the fact that I want to be a specific type of girl (or at least a cis girl that doesn’t have to deal with all the messy aspects of transition)
i don’t feel enough dysphoria to actually do this; sadly, pragmatism must rule the day here. I don’t even hate being a dude, it’s just whatever. I can deal with “whatever”. yes, famous last egg words. I might regret this in 10 years. I wouldn’t be the first, and I wouldn’t be the last. My mental health is pretty good (thank the gods for WFH), and I’m probably closer to genderfluid than straight up transfem. So i guess we’re in a holding pattern until something breaks one way or another.