i still think about the boy i had a romance with last summer. he left me, of course ─ i don’t say it in a ‘take pity on me’ way. i knew what he was like before we even started dating. he left people without an explanation, and reappeared again like nothing happened. it’s just how he is, and i could never blame him for it. it was something i mentally prepared myself for, so when he left, i didn’t feel the pain.

anyway, what we had was so beautiful. we spent months getting to know each other, hanging out every day, and talking about everything and nothing together. i felt like i had known him forever. i myself was a very insecure person, and hid these insecurities to myself in fear of being judged. but, it was as if he could read my mind. he complimented all these insecurities, and made me feel so special ( e.g. the way i couldn’t shut up about certain things, the way my cheeks fold into these weird lines whenever i smile, how often i talked to myself, etc). he told me he had never loved someone as much as me, he tried his best to write me love letters even though he claimed he was ‘never good with words’, he told his friends about me, and most importantly, he made me smile. he made me smile through all the tears, all the horrible moments of last summer ─ and he even made me smile after he left.

i don’t miss him, but i do. i saw him recently, and he’s just so different. he seems much sadder, and it kills me that i can’t reach out to him, and offer any support. under any other circumstances i wouldn’t hesitate to open my arms to him, but as i said before, he never stays. any help i offer will simply scare him away (he reminds me of the deer we used to see in ‘our spot’). i no longer love him the way i did for so long, but seeing him hurt is still an unbearable feeling. he never deserved sadness, when all he did was make others smile.

i’m not really sure why i’m writing this. i guess i just feel so bad for thinking about him, and i need to get it out somewhere. i’ve got a girlfriend this summer ─ she’s sweet, but she’ll never be anything like he was. i thought she was at first, but the more time i spend with her, the more i realise just how much i lost last summer. i’m a terrible person for thinking about him so much, when i should instead be writing her love letters. when i should be going above and beyond to make her feel special. but i just can’t bring myself to love another person the way i loved him.