I wish I could say this to my parents in real life.

To My Sperm-Donor:
I may have lived with you for almost sixteen years which may be my whole life, but I despise you. I fid you revolting, I’ve known from a young age that you are a p********. You may have never done anything to me, but still, what’s you were convicted for in the past gives me nightmares because out of my whole family, my mother, and my two brothers, one half-sibling, you only listen to me. It disgusts me because I know you are a p******** and have ulterior motives.

To My Mother:
I do love you, you’ve been through s*** having to be with my Father. You two may not be married, or even together, but because of financial problems and your slightly kind heart he lives with us. I wish you’d just put the restraining order on him that you keep saying you’ll do, but don’t. You also aren’t free from my hatred, it may not be ever present, but it has been there before, and this is because I’ve always been more of a tomboy, and you’ve always wanted a daughter. You haven’t done anything excessive or violent, but your words and expectations hurt. You would pester me a lot when I was younger to wear something more girlish like a dress. You’ve also always threatened to give your own children up for adoption when we were just being petulant children. I know you’d never go through with it, but it still hurts hearing you say it.

To My Brothers:
I am not close to two of you, but you are still of blood relation to me. You all make fun of people who aren’t straight. You say you don’t care what there s******** is, but I know from how you speak, from you, that you aren’t accepting of them. Which is why I lie and say, “I’m straight” or say, “I’m asexual/aromantic” since I know that you don’t care if I feel romantic attraction or if I’m straight. However, even though I’m not a hundred percent sure since I’ve never been able to explore, and find myself. I believe I’m bisexual, I’ve felt things for both men and women, more so women, but still both genders. So, I’ve never come out with these thoughts to anyone with my paranoia and fear of persecution. You may be my brothers, but I wish that I could feel safe to be honest with you and the rest of our family.

To My Immediate Biological Relations:
I wish that I could only say nice things, but I can’t. You don’t even notice that I suffer from depression and anxiety,and that I have since I was nine, even if it was only in it’s early stages then. You didn’t notice my suicide attempt when I was twelve. I took thirteen sleeping pills at night, and went to my bed praying that God would let me die. I hoped, and wished I wouldn’t wake up, but I did. When I awoke my body was in pain, I barely lived. The next day or two after waking up I went to school even though I still didn’t feel well after my suicide attempt. I was in third period, science, and I was in and out of conciseness, my body was shaking, and my teacher got someone to come down and take my stuff. I was brought to the nurses office, Of course I wasn’t able to go home since our phone was down, so you my parents didn’t receive the calls. After school that day I went home, and when asked, “How was school?” I had replied, “It was okay.” It wasn’t okay, my body was in pain, and still healing from my suicide attempt. No one noticed me leave my room searching the house for a painless way to die, which happened at least two or three times. Of course I only attempted suicide once, however it is ever present in my mind. I sit in my room all day avoiding you all because no matter how much I actually care about you all (except my sperm-donor) I despise you just as much. When I do eventually become an adult, even if it’s a few years away (two-ish) and when I eventually move out I know for a fact I won’t make it a priority to stay in contact. I may be hiding all of this from you all, but I wish that someone, one person, at least noticed that I tried to commit suicide.

That’s all I have to say to you. Of course you’ll never see this, and even if you do, you won’t know I was the one who wrote this. So, as a hint, I’ll leave a signature that only only one of my brothers understands. Well, that is if they make the connection. Since, it isn’t my real name, and I might change this alias in the future, he amy not remember. So, you’ll never know it was me, but here I’ll add it anyways.

~Evanora