Dear John, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings and took you by surprise when I said we couldn’t be friends. Regardless of whether you want to admit it or not, I do think you were into me (even if only for a tiny, tiny bit). However, what I’m too scared to admit to anyone, is that I was into you. I didn’t want to believe you liked me because if I believed it, then we would have had to stop hanging out much earlier on. I honestly don’t even know why I’m attracted to you. I know Bill is my soulmate and the right person for me. I guess it just really boosted my ego to find out or think you liked me or at least were attracted to me. I was always told I could never attract a physically attractive guy like you. So high school me was loosing her s*** (in a good way) when I finally realized the truth. We would never make a good couple or relationship. But I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to make you feel good emotionally and physically. I kept telling myself that the s** in my head would NEVER compare to you in real life- meaning, the s***** fantasies in my head were and would be better than anything you and I could do in real life. But sometimes when you would hold me, or hug me, or stare at me, – I don’t know. It felt nice. Like I could actually trust you. Like you genuinely liked me rather than just wanted to f*** me… You seem so lost. I guess my toxic trait was thinking I could help you to be a better person and friend. The truth? I wanted to be a safe place for you. Because that’s who I am- the caretaker. But our friendship did feel one sided in that I took care of you more than you could take care of me or be a better friend to me… I want to f*** you so badly. I wish I could show you what my mouth can do because you would f****** love it. I want to smoke weed with you and cuddle with you and watch movies with you. Bond with you. But now I’m sad. Because aside from the fact that, that could NEVER happen no matter what- I don’t know if you ever really liked me even as a friend. Or if I was just another girl that wanted to f*** you and you liked that (in your mind/perspective). How narcissistic am I? My need to feel special to you. But I feel like you would definitely understand that. I feel like if I wasn’t married and in love with my soulmate, I would have loved to have an actual friends with benefit situation with you. I have zero desire to ever date you or be in a relationship with you. But I would have loved to make you feel good. I would have loved to be friends with you. So I’m sorry for the way things ended and that they even had to end. I wish I could tell you these things but no one can know.