I’m bipolar with GAD, ptsd and ocd. In short, I’m a mess. You learn to live with iit though even if you often feel you’re deteriorating. I actually am but for other reasons. The first two have always been what make me run and I honestly wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s utter hell. Normal people are clueless as are many docs in the psych field but they treat the symptoms but rarely listen and they hate being wrong and they often are. Is what it is.

I’ll be 45 in a couple weeks and it’s amazing I’m still alive with all the hell I’ve been through whether abuse, bullying, doctors that don’t listen and toss meds at you that sometimes you don’t even need (long story there but perhaps another time), fake friends, nervous breakdowns. I always say it could always be worse which is a true statement. That being said, what I am currently through now is something new and more off than the norm.

Post SSRI damage that completely changed how my mind works and how I can act. I’m a good actor though as you have to be with this crap and many of us bps are some of the best actors you’ll ever meet. It’s unfortunate but a part of it plus the stigma the public simply doesn’t get. I now have rage issues much worse than a mixed episode which are rare for me or regular mood swings.

I’ve tried everything and all they can say to do is try more meds. ECT didn’t take but at least I tried. TMS is only for depression which I’m so much past it’s ridiculous. I’m a time bomb. I’ve been suicidal half of my life, so obviously I’m not good at it.

I’m great talking with people out of it as I’m a good communicator, but what’s the point? They probably have the right idea anyway but I’m better at helping others than helping myself. However, I’ve tried if all and always am. I’m always called tough by my peers, friends and so on, but I feel like a joke. Nothing new when you’re mentally ill.

Nobody would choose to be this way and the ones that say everything is treatable are naive. I’m a lifer but I’m still here even though I wish I wasn’t. No offense some things just are what they are. Each day passes and yeh more alone I feel. I never used to be this bad despite all of my disorders but you endure. Still, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I relate to The Joker even though I don’t hurt innocent people. Relax. Still, it’s hard to relate to many outside of those of my ilk that don’t judge and just suffer and endure. The real people. I’ll be dead soon for reasons other than the mighty S but I gotta say the people that ruin things by ghosting, being ultra fake PC for no reason I wish would choke and die or step into my shoes. They’ll be empty soon.