I don’t allow myself to be happy, which seems odd enough to because I feel like I’m surrounded by so many people who are. I feel like I’m the fakest person alive, that I just depend on others too much to let myself experience the tiniest ounce of joy.

Yesterday was genuinely the happiest I had been in weeks. I’ve been hanging out more and more with a friend who is gay/queer and myself as a pan non-binary individual who, over those hangouts the last year, we’ve come to the conclusion we both have feeling for one another. Due to complications, one being he currently has had a two, coming up on three, year crush on an online friend, we have decided to be friends for the time being. He had also friend-zoned the online friend until they meet, which will be sometime later this year. He is being super respectful to me and the online friend, not wanting to break either of our hearts or play games. My friend wants me to meet the online friend when he does visit our area, even added me to a group chat with both of them too. This dude seems like a great guy and he is obviously more of a man than I could ever offer to anyone.

I’ve felt so happy and yet so heart broken because I always want other people to be happy even if it means I don’t get anything out of it. I don’t feel worthy of love, even though my friend shows me so much genuine love and support, and I to him. I let little things get under my skin, not in anger, but it’s like chunks of my heart get tossed away like I’m the worlds largest garbage heap.

I know I deserve to be happy, and nobody stops that except myself. I just wish things were different, I wish I could hold his face and kiss him. He’s the most beautiful and amazing human being I’ve ever met. So raw about his feelings and emotions, finds comfort in me about vulnerable topics. He adds love songs to our shared playlist, which honestly only consists of love songs. He holds me so tight in hugs that I never want to leave. He has been a huge part of my life, a comfort with my sorrows and a even larger support with my gender identity (or lack of, in a way). He is my best friend, I cherish his quirky and lovable attitude and how smart he is. I love how respectful he is to strangers and how he glows like the Sun when he speaks. I see him and it’s not jealously I feel, I know what that feels like. I feel if I could ever be his partner, his boyfriend, that we would both be so happy. We already are incredibly happy being friends, I’m so thankful for him and the extremely fun times we have. I want him to know how much I love him, slowly but surly we’ve shared our thoughts and feelings on car rides back to my place. He deserves the world, and if that world doesn’t have a space for me, I’d rather him be the happiest and most loved man in the entire universe.

Maybe my happiness won’t be with him, in a romantic sense. Maybe I’ll watch him get married to someone in the future and be so proud of how much he is continuing to grow as a person. Maybe I’ll find real love in what seems like a scary world of strangers. Maybe a stranger will see me and think that I’m like the Sun and I’ll see them and know they really are the one I love too.