Ever had that moment where you realised you don’t hold much feelings for your parent anymore. It feels like as I grow up, I start to dislike and even loathe my parents.
I don’t like to study, but I forced myself to at least get good grades if only because I was promised multiple times that I could do as I like when it was over. But that promise was broken, because I didn’t know better, how can a child know what was good for themselves. But then I was forced into furthering my education by my parents. Both played a hand in guilt tripping me into feeling less than my own sister and cousins just because they decided to become degree holders. Things like how I wouldn’t measure up to them due to differences in education, in salary and in life. How can I be so immature to not understand why I had to go through this, how it was for my own good.
I don’t like working, but they demanded I get a job while studying.
So I ended up searching and trying out for jobs that they pushed to me.
I struggled to juggle both, and when my grades went down at the expense of doing well in my job, I was blamed for not putting in enough effort. Why can my relatives do it better but I can’t.
And as I was finally completing that education, I was told to that I had to get a job, I was promised again that once I completed that education and got a job, I could do as I liked. That promised was quickly broken when I did get a job, which was pretty relaxed and relied on contracts to carry out work, I was scolded by them. The job was not suitable for me. They preferred when I worked my previous jobs that were shift work, which occupied so much of my life.
What they don’t realise is that my irregular sleeping habits were consequences of years working shifts. Early morning shifts that could become full shifts that ended late into the night. Demanding hours that sometimes had me skipping meals or even forgetting the need to eat.
I actually craze and detest sleeping at times.
So many things have happened, for a long while I’ve been going to bed with the thought that it’ll be nice to not wake up anymore. There’ll definitely be activities that I will miss but just the thought of disappearing, no more existence, of everything ending seems to comfort me more.
No more shouting at me, no more scoldings about getting a ‘proper: job, no more hurtful remarks of being less than my own sister.
If I lack self-discipline it’s only because I’ve been restricted in everything else.