I have never told anyone this, ever, but at 15, I was molested by my mother! After my father left (when I was 14) my mother became a drunk! She would drink all day, but at night she get black out, fall down drunk! She became very clingy with me and began acting inappropriate right away. She would frequently grab my b*** or even my crotch. And when I protested she would just say “what? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before!“ One night I woke up for what I thought was a w********. And I discovered that my mother had my p**** in her mouth! I said something like “Jesus Christ mom, what the f***!“ To get as far away from her as possible I was up against the headboard in something resembling the fetal position but I was sitting. She just had a indignant look on her face and said to me “don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy it you little f***** part of the proof is still in my mouth“ then she made a VERY deliberate and exaggerated swallowing motion, smiled at me and said “whoops there goes the proof that you enjoyed it!” She staggered off to bed, and I sat there crying. I tried to avoid my mom as much as possible, for as long as possible. When I finally “bumped” into her at home, she acted as though nothing happened, seriously she was genuinely shocked that I seemed upset at her, and I realized what she did to me was during a blackout and she may have thought that I was someone else. It didn’t make me feel any better but it did make me feel better, if that makes any sense. Weeks went by with me unable to sleep until she was home and asleep in bed. Another month went by and things were still screwed up but they weren’t “s*****” she didn’t have any knowledge of it, and I only remember what I saw when I make up, and that trauma although etched in my mind… it could have been worse! That night I slept like a baby! That was the night my mother raped me. I couldn’t have been asleep more than an hour when I felt amazing pleasure, it was the most intense s** dream I had ever felt, but as I became conscious of that, I realized the feeling was not from a dream, my mother was naked (at 35, she was definitely the prettiest mom of any of my friends, and ironically I was always oddly proud that my mom was the prettiest woman wherever she was) she was straddling me, and I was inside her. She was moaning and unlike before where I jumped to the head of the bed… I couldn’t move! It was indescribably repugnant the thoughts “my mom is having s** with me” “Im having s** with my mom,” “ omg, my mother is literally f****** me” “oh no, I’m actually f****** my own mother” the worst was when I thought “oh god this feels so good” I tried so hard to do something, anything to put an end to this, but I seriously could not move! When I ejaculated, the brain-food cleared, and as she moved down to kiss me, I managed to get her off me, and jumped in the shower. The whole time listening homophobic comments from my mom. Calling me a little f***** again, because I didn’t like my mother r***** me! After the shower, she was in bed, I packed everything that meant anything to me and left that night. I lived either at friends places, or on the streets for three years resorting to prostitution with disgusting old men usually once or twice a day just to earn money for food and clothes. I have an apartment now and a minimum wage job. But I still have one client from those days because I don’t earn enough to pay my bills. I’m going to school and I hope to be completely out of “the life“ by the end of the year. I have had relationships with women, and as a straight man i much prefer women, but being inside a woman, takes me right back to the feeling of f****** my mom, and i loose my hard on. I dont do anything s***** with guys, because I’m not gay! My job was my job. I do love women, it just immediately makes me feel like I’m deep inside my mother’s p**** again, and that is too painful! I desperately want a good “successful relationship” with a good woman who loves me. I have seen a therapist once, but in the entire hour, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I had not only had s** with my mom, but I must have obviously liked it enough to c**! There is no doubt in my mind what that woman did to me that night ruined my life! I***** is not a joke, it is not k**** or s***, it is disgusting and it destroys the lives and the souls of the victims! And anyone who would make up a ridiculous fantasy i***** story to get their rocks off or help others get their rocks off is a p************