I have always hated myself. How I look, how I sound, how I walk, basically, anything about me. I never really got praised for anything. I was constantly

5 years

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I have always hated myself. How I look, how I sound, how I walk, basically, anything about me. I never really got praised for anything. I was constantly compared to others and I have never recovered from it. I feel that my worth is equillivant to what I can give/provide. I don’t know how to socialize, I’m slower to learning than others, and I’m not as mature. I have all these dreams but I don’t have the courage to go through with any of it. I absolutely hate looking in the mirror. I hate the way I look and subconsciously compare myself to everyone around me. I’m over weight but no matter what make up I put on, I can never see myself as someone more than ugly. No lie, I even starved myself for months to lose weight. It worked but I gained it back and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose the ability to have my own children but I have come to accept the reality that I screwed up. It weighs on me. I’ve tried ignoring it but it only makes it worse. There were times where I would cry almost every night because of the pain, loneliness, and guilt. Every time, I always saw myself as a screw up and question why I am here. I have tried to end it all but I was a coward. I couldn’t go through with it. Not the worst confessions out there but it’s only some of the demons that constantly haunt me everyday. It affects my choice to be alone or be with others. I’m scared of being abandoned by everything and losing my worth. Even if my worth is my money or the sacrifices I make. I don’t want to be alone but I’m scared to open up to others.

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My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.