I´m completely fake. I´m not talking about plastic surgery or fake documents, I´m talking about my personality.

You see, I have this idea in my head about who I should be, and the worst thing is that it´s constantly changing. This “idea” that I have affects every decision I can´t even think properly without trying to be this person, even if I know that nobody except me can hear my thoughts. If I want to be a social butterfly I make sure that my voice is loud and clear, I laugh and smile all the time and even the clothes I wear are different. I come up with stories to suit my persona and fake my emotions and reactions to match what the person I want to be would do. Well, I don´t exactly fake my emotions but rather make sure to feel them, if that makes sense (it probably doesn´t).

If I, all of a sudden, want to be a misunderstood lonewolf the next day, I make sure (conciously or unconciously) to think the thoughts that a lonely person would think and change my character completely. For example, when talking to another person, I think to myself about rather wanting to go home.

And I don´t even do all of this faking for the sake of the attention/approval of other people! I wish it was that easy (at least it would give me a reason for my behaviour).

I don´t even think I know what my real personality is. The only personality traits I´m sure that I have are “ambitious and perfectionist”. The rest changes based on my personality.
These traits probably stayed in my personality for all this time because my goals are a major part of my life. I would even go as far as to say that the meaning of my life is to become successful. Although, maybe my so called “traits” aren´t even personality traits. Maybe they are just desires. I mean who doesn´t want to become perfect and successful? Forget it, they probably are

I think that this little “behaviour” probably has to do with me being overly perfectionistic and ambitious about myself, but many people are and they aren´t as weird as me! I´ve met people far more detail oriented, organised and hardworking than me, but their perfectionism doesn´t lead to them becoming hypocrites!

After going through a whole bunch of psychology I can confirm that I don´t have any personality disorder, mental illness or phobia of any kind that makes me do what I do. At least not any of those that already exist.

I guess my solution for finding a personality I can stick with will be analysing the most desirable traits that people want in friends. I alredy know that the traits empathetic, honest and comforting (or at least the impression of them) can get you far in a relationship, as I´ve researched a lot about why psychopaths are so charming and trustworthy. I will also make a list of traits i myself want to posess, like hardworking, observing,