5 years
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I’m in my mid-30’s now, and I feel like just ending my life. I have a job, place, to live, and stuff, but it’s the painful experiences and memories I dealt with in my teens and 20’s. I’ve been alone my whole life, never had love or even close friends. So many things have happened in my life to make me feel like I’m worthless and my life has no meaning. I had an incredibly toxic home life growing up. I’d bring my problems to school and all of the kids couldn’t stand me. This went on until I left high school. I wouldn’t say I was bullied, because I know I’m the one that started most of the problems. COVID isn’t helping now at all. I feel like it’s too late to try to make my life better because opportunities for friends and love seem to evaporate after you turn 30 based on my experiences. I know I’m supposed to keep telling myself things are going to get better but I’ve been saying that for quite some time now, and some things have improved, but I still don’t feel like I’m doing myself a favor by being here anymore. Anyone else going through this type of stuff?

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My art therapist/group therapist and I were having an illegal affair. I would write secret messages to her and she would read them and respond to them in person. She would do favors i asked of her, like wearing outfits i asked her to wear, she’d even do me s***** favors. I made her a google drive full of p*** of me and then crafted a puzzle link to get to it that only she could have known. The link was a tinyurl with three phrases in the url that only she could have known. We would walk for an hour every day and swing at the park. I would write her poetry and play love songs for her every day. She broke the rules to play mario kart with me constantly when her boss was out. We had something magical. But she would never communicate directly with me because sge was afraid she’d lose her liscence to practice and her boyfriend and house, abd when I pushed her to unmask and be real, she told me I was wasting my time. Well that pissed me off and I crashed out a little abd she used that crash out to get me kicked out of my group therapy program. She wants out and I told her she’s not allowed to want out. I told her If she doesn’t reach out to me and continue this affair, that i will report her and get her liscence taken away and if that doesn’t work ill find some other way to ruin her life. You dont go from gooning in the bathroom at work to someone to throwing them away in the same week. Thats fucked. I’ll post her name here soon if she stays quiet and doesn’t reach out to me.