It’s like I’m in this daze that I just can’t shake myself from. I don’t know when it started. How it happened. I just feel like I’m there but I’m not there. I know it’s cliche but I feel like I’m watching my life through the eyes of someone else. My real me has just been sunken down or pushed the background. Everything just feels blurry. I try to get into it I try to be involved. Every time I speak I get faded to the background everyone just thinks about themselves and I’m suppose to be the one there for them listening to them. Comforting them. Being there for them. But at the end of the day I have no one. The one person who did care about me who checked up everyday even when I didn’t asked who seemed to just accept me and love me unconditionally is dead and I took that for granted. In fact it’s my biggest regret that I could never pay him or his sister back for everything they’ve done for me. That’s besides the point. I just feel like life is boring. No matter what I do no matter how hard I try i just feel indifferent. What happened to me? I use to try hard be motivated but now I just don’t f****** care I don’t care about anything. I don’t want to live anymore but don’t get me wrong I don’t want to die. In a way I still feel like I have so much left I have to live for but I just can’t reach it right now it seems impossible. And from my experience seeing how most people react in death I don’t want people I didn’t know or don’t like coming up and acting like they knew me. The only person who knew me is me. The people that I trusted the most were the closest to seeing the full me. But im just so tired from life im not sure how much longer I can hold on. Everyone just seems to be drifting away. No one cares until your dead and when you die the world moves in like it’s nothing. I’m not writing this for sympathy or to make this about me. I know people deal with bigger things and clearly there are more pressing issues than a random person. Life is just piling on too hard and it’s too much. I was never suppose to be an adult I really wish I would’ve just died that day when I blacked out from trying to overdose that way I wouldn’t have to deal with all these conflicting thoughts and feelings holding me back. I just wish I could disappear and everyone would forget me it would just be easier that way. I can’t see my future no matter how hard I try. I never have and I never will. But no amount of cutting and self pity will get me through this. So I can only wish that I lose all my emotions so I could go through it.