Continuation of ex sister in law nap since this site truncates posts…after she jogged me out of dozing off because I was breathing heavily against her neck as we spooned in partial clothing, I could not get back to sleep. I was achingly erect and pressed against her cheeks and it was killing me despite the presence my boxer briefs on both of us. It took everything I had to not grind against her and gently fondle her breast after she put my hand on it. She was awake and apparently realized I was losing my mind. Depsite the fact that I had been paying her for s** for weeks, I wanted to respect the bad place she was in with the arrest and wantes to help her straighten out the mess I had helped her get into. I finally knew I was not going to behave and apologized to her and told her we needed to change positions. She was silent for a moment then asked me if i needed to be alone to take care of it. I told her that honestly I did not want to be alone and that I would just have to s*** it up. I shifted to out some space between my groin and her a** cheeks but she reached back with her hand to my hip and pulled me toward her. It was murder and I could not help it I moaned her name. She held my arm tightly around her and began to slowly grind back against me and I begged her to stop because it was too much. She stopped for a moment and whispered that she understood why I was putting s** on hold for test results but she wanted to do something for me because of what I had done for her. That actually stung because it was a reminder that she had been having s** with me for money/it was a barter system. I actually jumped up and started pacing and ended up having to explain, humiliatingly, that that I was realizing I had been bs’ing myself that it was not just the money that she had been interested in s** with me also. I got wide eyes and stunned silence in response. So there I was pacing in my own home with a wilted erection and a huge precum wet spot on my underwear and pised off at myself and realizing I had just managed to completely f*** up the functionally best most incredible s***** relationship of my life by admitting the vulnerability of needing it to be something more than s**, and I wanted to crawl thru my own living room floor and die because of the self awareness of vulnerability and feeling like a complete f****** idiot.