I am unable to decide to put this experience (confession) in category of guilt or pain so I chose A RANDOM FEELING.
I was working in a good settled job in an MNC for last 5 years almost and then last year there joins a new comer to industry as my junior – she was so innocent in the beginning, doing nonsense things and acts to make me laugh and angry sometimes(but I never expressed it – as she was only junior I have got to help me). She was enough frank and discussed her family things to me to tell you the level of her confidence in me. I never had any feelings for her in that way(making a couple) as she was almost 6-7 years younger to me. She was respectful to me as she used to think that I am helpful to her in her personal problems- I cannot go in details. Gradually our relation developed in such a way that she and I sometimes become angry to each other – it was strange for me being a professional. I will never mix work and personal life – I used to have a firm belief but don’t know what happened. We used to share lunch with other colleagues as well, but we both used to share spoons and I never thought it could have another impression on the people around us – while I should have thought of it. She used to bring chocolates for me and asked to bring same for her in next chance. Also we discussed that sharing chocolates shall not be considered otherwise between us – it is just used as stress buster. Sir, aha, mood achha ho gaya. We sometimes used to fight for the key of drawer where we kept our chocolates. She always tried to take bigger share of chocolate but it was me always who get more chocolate to eat finally. Those times are memories, those will never fade, and feelings so pretty and pious, as I view. Sometimes I used to shake hand or give/get a high-five. Sometimes I gave her gentle blows on head or back on shoulders. We used to fight for work sometimes. Also we used to go for after office hangout but never alone – our colleagues being companion. Sincerely saying, never had any lustful or love kind of feeling for her. I was known to her family, her brother and mother I met personally – her mother trusts me so well that allows her to go out with her friends be, abc sir is with you. I don’t know what other staff started gossipping about us, not particularly her and me but but the group going out for after office parties. Actually we have committed to keep it out of office only to avoid nonsense gossip in office. Let it be. There were some sick minded people around, those began to keep track on us. One day as she was angry for me not sharing some piece of work with her, I hold her hand and made her sit on my seat and telling her things – she was still angry. I asked her to come with me to another room beside our cabin saying that I will slap you and only then your brain will work well. She followed me – I did not slap her, I gave her chumping on her shoulders and as we were returning – I hugged her gently that too not completely. She said – bas ho gaya, isi ke liye aaye the yaha? We smiled and came back to our cabin. She told me, sir now am feeling good(after hug), I did not feel anything for her or about the hug. We got busy on work. After some time, our boss came in and told that your act has been caught in the CCTV camera and both of you must give reason and maybe you will be revoked from job. She was frightened, not me – coz I was certain it is not that big deal, I have seen many things happening and being handled in nice ways in the company in last 5 years. But it was not so easy for us I realised later that day. I asked her to put blame on me, and save her job and stay there, and she straightforwardly denied. Ok, we waited but nothing happened. Later as we left the office, we decided to meet pursued with our close friends in office. There was a lot fuss about that recording and act, so we decided to resign at ourselves – I tried a lot to convince her to keep her job and quit later as she gets a better offer. She said that to me once – sir, I will find another job easily, you must keep this job, you have given 5 years here and so and so… Finally we both resigned.
We both discussed a lot about that, and she took me to her home, we created another story to keep personal life safe and unaffected from this. She is so daring girl. We anyhow managed to keep it away from our families and began to find new jobs. She got her job fast enough. We were in constant touch and I shared all possible documents and knowledge to her to help her in professional work. She is now more friendly to me. She never blamed me for this twist in her life. I will get job soon, but more than this I am always worried about her. We now meet sometimes out. I now feel a responsibility for her – I think I shall marry her, I am not in love being frank – she is pretty enough though. But I am impressed by the way she stood by me and took care of all. She shares all her secrets to me(as she told me). I also feel comfortable being with her. Someone has told her that she is unlucky, and she says sir it is enough, what we have got from life. I don’t want to trouble you more.
I wrote above that I don’t know this is feeling of guilt or pain – that I want to have her for the lifetime. I think I don’t deserve her, but still.
I am not sure, how well I did describe my feeling but so is my nature – I am not quite open with closest of my friends. When someone comes closer, I begin to push them away. Shall I propose to her and her family and give a chance to my life. She gives signs like staying in touch always and when I say we must depart, she says – now you also leave, I will handle myself alone. Go away, don’t talk to me ever and then I please her anyway. And we have become better friends since the day we left that last company.
