TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal ideation, overdose mentions
i could literally be standing at the edge of a tall building bawling my eyes out and say “i’m sick of being a disappointment to everyone i love but especially you, so i’m going to jump” and unless i actually f****** jumped my dad wouldn’t get it
you wanna know why i’m so sensitive you fucker??? that’s literally one of the symptoms of depression!!!!! i am depressed!!!!!! i have been for a while now!!!!!! i TRY to tell you and you don’t f****** get it!!!!!!! F***!!!!!!!
i feel worthless because i can’t do anything right and you’re only reinforcing these feelings in me when you call me useless for not having a job even though i’m trying the hardest i can
getting out of bed is a f****** effort, not feeling like s*** about myself is a f****** effort, not wanting to die is a f****** effort
everything is an effort and the more you tell me i’m useless the more i believe it, even though i know rationally i have no REAL reason to. but i still do anyway, so thanks for THAT, a******.
it’s not good enough it’s never good enough, GOD.
you worried about expenses? mouths to feed? i could OD on like 3 dozen painkillers and die, then you’ll be MUCH more financially secure without having to worry about MY drain on resources
literally the only reason i can’t off myself even though so often i find myself wanting to is because humans deep down have a natural survival instinct, and things like inflicting horrifying pain on yourself and killing yourself go against that instinct. so even if in my heart i wanna die my survival instinct still cries out to me.
but OD’ing is as easy as taking pills which is a common thing for many people to do anyway, including myself. so if i manage to land a job, SOMEHOW, and if my life FINALLY starts looking up and i FINALLY become someone you can be proud of again, then great, nothing to worry about. but if it takes too f****** long, if things get too painful, well.
sorry about all the potentially triggering content, i just needed to get this out. these words, these thoughts, i needed to purge it all from my mind. thank you for letting me do this free of judgement.
