Oh, my dear first love…. truly speaking you are not my first love … I had lots of crush since a kid. My first crush was my own cousin since when I was even 5 or 6, O Boy did I have loved him or not! He was sure attractive and I wanted to get all of the attention… but alas, he is getting married this year .. boy I sure going to miss him… and mostly not being loved by him… but at the same time, I had also a crush on a cute looking boy. I was nursery then and @kg I saw him kissing a girl.. sure did I hate it… But I also kissed one of my cousins… I was stupid, I hated it and he did stink a lot… I don’t remember the kiss but I do remember it stunk and the next time during aunty’s wedding I saw him kissing my another cousin… Boy damn, he was a p******… then what .. oh I got a kiss from an older uncle too. he might have been in his late 30’s then .. I all remember how frightened I was when hee g**** me when no one was seeing and forced me to kiss him.. I don’t remember the kiss but I remember the tongue though.. It was quite nasty … I was happy that my childhood friend showed up at that moment… Oh by the way, once I loved that childhood friend too… I do have to many lovers … but no one particular from my class…

But I was in girls school I always fantasied about boys… How good is to hold them? hug them? Are they solid??? But alas I never got that opportunity… Not even a single boy came to life nor ever anyone tried to come. No one ever bothered to look at me… Am I that ugly? I saw the mirror. Yeah, I am kind an average according to a brown girl… Oh here goes my safari about Teacher crush.. Though still, I loved my that cousin the First sir was at class 5 and he was our first sir during the whole primary and high school life… He was our general science teacher and I don’ t remember his name.. I like him a lot but I don’t remember when I got over of him… I used to fall for every fair guy I used to see… Yeah, that’s right though I am not fair I like fair guys… I got my standard you know>>. You might call me crazy but there was another sir in class 6 .. a trainee… I got hugely insulted by him in class and after that, the crush over teachers was gone. Then it was in Coaching in white hope… the English sir he had brown eyes and was way older than me but at then I finally realized that I like older guys… manly and fair ones. Am i being racist? If I am no need to call me that… I was born to have crush on others and more on I didn’t have crush someone else’s husband or boyfriend.. Though I didn’t know if they had any girlfriend ever. But they were precisely not married and that the thing only matters. Then what?? Oh, During the British council course I had a crush on my mentor… He looked like someone from Persian country like Afghanistan or Iran, Damn those fair skin and his skills in English and his friendly gesture and his most charming smile… I liked everything about him, everything !!! Then What.. had a crush on countless guys one was from college .. to him I was totally invisible and the best thing was he was fair… Countless guys were fair and I had a crush on all of them .. Someday I really think what will happen if I am married to a dark guy. No guy have ever liked me and more on no one would.. so no fair guy in my life nor as a husband!! Then there was also another Mehedi but he liked my friend…

Now here comes your part, the only boy I loved at each growing moment. After seeing you I understood all the boy I thought I loved was not love at all, it was a mere attraction which was totally under my control.. After I meet you I forgot about every other boy. I never told you but the moment I saw you I got chills… I can still remember vividly the first time I say you… You were tall, fair, handsome someone a lot of sense of humor and a friendly confident personality. You knew what you want and you didn’t give a damn s*** about anything more one you have had that charm of not showing interested which made me always confuse about does he like or even consider me a friend but I know I was never in you single thought though after all these two years later, disconnecting all my connection with you I only think about you.. You still my first love, I still haven’t gotten over you.. every single day I think of you, I think of bumping with you in any crowded place, hope to see your face again, ask you “Did you miss me? Do you remember me? Are you still don’t love me back?? Do you have a girlfriend now?? Any girl made your heart tremble like you did mine?” but I know I will never bump to you or ever see your face… You are long gone and I am thankful that you are… If you were still my life I would have cried every single day thinking of you, remembering you and why I can’t have you when you are the only one I think of… I have no goal, no ambition, and no hope only but seeing you once and for the last time… I want to see you smiling with another girl, holding her hand, hugging her, tucking her hair back her ear more on loving, so that I know he is not mine and I don’t like others stuff…

Thank you, my dear first love, you are the best thing that ever happened to me and though I wasn’t in your dream, you were, are and maybe a later be a part of my dream.

It’s been three years now since when we are out of touch but still I want to say to you that I love you.
I love you.

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