For the last 4 days, I have been consistently crying myself to sleep, completely ashamed of myself and the person I have came to be over the past 9 years. Let’s finally get this story laid out, not going into excessive detail.

I was always a curious person. Me being curious, I have had… “experiences” with other children. No, absolutely none of these were forced, abusive, penetrative, no, it was just mild things like exposing our butts, etc. It honestly did not seem bad at the time, but now, I’d do anything to reverse this time period of my life as it helped make me the unclean person I became.

Eventually, I become extremely curious and started to abuse p********** and m********* to it chronically. Again, I had no remorse or anything, I just chalked it up to me being curious and s******* adventurous. Until I fell in a complete void of fucked up p********** (like fetishes, torture, b*********, etc.) and I could not resist the temptation. I have been doing this for several years until now. I felt so unclean and shameful of myself, and I could not stop. I was completely addicted to such incredibly messed up p********** because what I used to watch was no longer effective and I was weak. Completely weak, not able to control my urges properly.

Now, things are taking an absolute nosedive as I participate in no nut November. I have not masturbated yet and I do feel somewhat proud of myself that I am finally fighting my urges slightly. I decided to research the effects of the p********** I researched and how to fight my urges, and that’s when I realize, I had completely fucked up. I went into a full blown panic attack and busted into tears home alone when I realized that I had an actual, serious problem bigger than I thought and that the p********** I could have watched during my spree might not have even been legal in my own country. The thought of me loosing the potential I know I have by a possible prison sentence made me absolutely loose it. I was a 90+ student who was composing beautiful songs on my instrument to help calm others down, I was a great friend to several people, and I didn’t want to lose any of that.

To think I would lose my family’s love, my friend’s love, and my chance of becoming great and happy over a p********** addiction I allowed myself to develop through a series of poor choices makes me physically ill and emotionally numb. With all of this in mind, I can’t even make it through class without wanting to just go to the bathroom and cry. I have felt emotions I have never felt before like envy, greed, apathy. What would I do to replace the emotions I feel now with simple happiness and acceptance of what I have done.

I look at everyone else in my classroom and my family and I just think to myself “none of them are as fucked up as me, I guarantee that. None of them could have possibly had a more impure childhood than me, none of them has probably gotten so addicted to p********** like I have, none of them will probably never do anything as bad as I have done, none of them probably fear about going to prison every time they wake up, none of them are as broken as me right now”.

Everyday, I try to cover my deeper problem up with a fake smile so that no one will ever come close to finding out the real me. The real me is responsible for the tears that I have shed on my bed in the past day, the screams and terror inside my mind that cannot be heard, and that absolute feeling of worthlessness and guilt.

I don’t think I’m going back to m*********** once no nut November ends, as I can’t even trust my urges anymore. I’m doing whatever it takes for me to feel happier about myself as a person because that is what I need if I want to make it out of this alive. I need to become better right now or I really will lose my potential and chance of happiness.

If any of you are addicted to p**********, get help before it consumes your chances of happiness and purity like it did to me.

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