• 8 months ago
  • 1 0

When I was little, I was always being a good girl. Always becoming what they wanted me to be. My parents gave me a wide choices. But it was all lies. LIES!
“Be anything you want.”, they said. But in the reality, “Why you want to be like that? It is better for you to take the other choice.”

I just want a freedom. A freedom to be myself. To choose my life events.
Back then when I was in school, I always hoped to meet a good man who will save me from this loneliness, from this cage, from this shackles. But, after I graduated from senior high, my hope betrayed me.
I met some guys. I became their friends and hoping that I can find a savior. But, they betrayed me. Sexually harassed. Financially used. Stabbed in the back.
Since then, I don’t believe in men. I only played around them. I lost my respects and trusts for them.
I even sexually harassed by my mother’s boss in front of my mother, yet she didn’t do anything.
It was gross.
It was really gross.

And these days, I became detached from myself. I felt unreal. I saw something that it should not be there like hallucinations. But I never said it to my parents. Because they won’t think about it seriously. How do I know? Well because I knew that I got a light stroke. I already said it to them to take do some check ups in hospitals. But they don’t even care. They thought that I was only joking. I can only waiting and waiting for this body to break.

Yet, in this depression state of mine, I met a girl. Well, she is quite famous in my country and internationally too. But, she noticed me. She gave me positive words for me to keep on living. I like her. And I’ll meet her next week. But I know that this kind of like is only one sided. Because I knew that she likes cute girls. And I am the exact opposite of her types. I am a tomboyish girl and often mistaken as a guy. How do I know? Because she always tells me whenever she met a cute girl. I can’t say yet that I am a homosexual or still heterosexual or maybe bisexual. But one thing that I know is my parents won’t let me to date any guy even though I am already old enough. I am not a teen. I have job already and I am also taking college. I am an adult. Yet, I can’t escape from this prison called family.

Sometimes I also tried to kill myself. But I don’t know why, whenever I do suicide attempt, this girl that I like message me (She is so busy and rarely text me). And saying sweet words. Well I never tell her yet that I always tried to kill myself. So it’s.. Kinda weird but her timing is the best. She saved me. And I am afraid if I show my real self, she will just walked away from me..

All Comments

  • Sometimes you need to hang on and continue living… it’s just a storm of hopelessness, pain and desparity and a storm does not stay- it will pass away…

    Anonymous May 19, 2018 12:29 pm Reply

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