Wife asks if I am going to be OK on the computer by myself after she goes to bed with baby.
I say ‘yes’ and mumble something about being tired.
She goes up, nurses baby and falls asleep (she is going to bed early because she is not feeling well).
I quickly convene with myself and decide that it will be a good time to use porn. Part of the agreement is that I will not spend hours nor will I behave regretfully.
Meet ‘Joe Porno’ – just an average Joe using mainstream porn for 15 minutes a day to get off and move on with his life. He drinks two bottles of Duff beer a night and falls asleep in a recliner.
I’m no Joe Porno, but I am capable of pretending when it serves.
I spent longer than 15 minutes using porn, but I was unusually committed – after flipping through a few videos I found something close enough to what I was looking for: a cute, innocent looking younger woman surrounded by men (preferably not a pack of slobs). She has to enjoy it and be enthusiastic about the whole situation. Once I found a candidate that fit the bill, I was locked in. Jumped around the timeline a bit but I didn’t last long — strong orgasm right into my underwear.
I should note that I’ve smoked some marijuana. I’m still feeling kinda buzzed.
I’m thinking about going up to sleep now. Thought about smoking more and listening to music, but I don’t want to wake up my people. I love them very much. Sometimes I lie to my wife or tell convenient half truths to hide behavior that might hurt her. I will not tell her about what has transpired here tonight. We have practically no privacy from each other. I have very little life of my own. I don’t go out and work for 8 hours a day. I don’t go to the bar with friends.
We are all very close here in this little house. I am an advocate of living like this, but I don’t think that ‘Living in the Light’ is a complete necessity for a healthy relationship. This is one of the roadblocks I’m up against in trying to stop using porn. I’ve been trying to stop using for over 6 years. I’ve been involved in a few addiction recovery support groups during the last 2-3 years. I’m still active and talk to a man I call my ‘sponsor’ often. I meet with a few guys locally a couple times a week. I don’t always tell the full truth in these groups. I usually like to keep my masturbatory habits to myself. It still feels vulnerable to share this kind of information. Sometimes I’ll share honestly when I’m really depressed or upset with myself because I’m ashamed of my behavior and it is eating away at me. Something I don’t ever share is that I don’t really find my addictive behavior to be a problem most of the time. I’m not spending half my day setting up to get my next fix, blowing 1000s of dollars on sex workers, carrying on elaborate affairs, etc. Most of the time I’m just an eager loving guy who likes spending time with his family, playing music, cooking, problem solving type projects and being outside. Why ‘recovery’ then? Because there have been a few occasions where I’ve really felt desperate to quit — that going on ‘as is’ was unacceptable and possibly unsurvivable. I show up at meetings because I’m scared of that place. My terror is tied to punctuated moments of my life where I’ve lost myself in pornography. So, my ‘recovery’ is more about trying to save the life of the one who deep down wants to live and keep doing what I’m doing. Sometimes I choose lie about what Joe Porno is up to. He feels benign. He feels far away from the terror. When I’ve brought him up, nobody in my recovery circles seem to think he’s good to keep around — clearly part of the addiction. They are probably right. But I’d rather not nail him to the cross in one of my righteous ‘come to Jesus’ moments (I’ll be good from NOW ON!). For now, Joe Porno, bless you. Bless you and rest well.