Hi first off im sorry for my terrible English, since its not my native language and i dont live on the US nor UK i might strugle a bit. So this is a huge confession cause its something that started years ago and now im lost in this snowball of lies and to be honest im so lost i dont know what to do the worst of thoughts as already crossed my mind.
But before telling how i got myself in this situation right now i need to set some ground im from a family that is very strict with rules and not to help my mom has a mental issue roughly trasnlated to English is called “compulsive paranoid” she acts up and actually gets really violent she tried to burnt down the house when i was just a baby with me inside theres alot of background with situations where she acts up theres nothing we can do however cause institutions to et her into are expensive like over 5000 euros a month and we never had that sort of money to get her help and public would be worse as i informed and she would be 2-3 months inside and get out worse and against everyone she tries to suicide hurt people that are next to her when she finds out or think something happened (most of the time ilusions she creates) happened. My father however is the kid of person you simply cant disapoint not just cause he did tried to help me but cause he was very strict with rules. They are now divorced since my father couldnt deal with her anymore.
So 6 years ago i started dating and i entered university with a graduation i did not enjoy at all i failed the first year at nearly everything it was horrible my friends told me it was normal the first year and in fact there was alot of people failing.
I didnt said anything to my parents back then always said things were going fine eventually i told the truth and that i failed the first year the reaction was awful and i even tried to suicide here cause couldnt handle it anymore my mom freaked out she tried to hurt me physicaly and mentally my dad was well seriously disapointed. My boyfriend knew of my first year and also got somewhat disapointed in me but understood.
Time passed and i kept trying that was forgotten but in Uni things were getting worse and worse i lost the will to be study something i didnt like but forced myself to do it and years passed and i never finished graduation and i lied always saying it was going good cause i felt i couldnt go through that again with my mom specially, end up having to lie to my bf as well since my mom woul speak with him and that broke my heart also cause i couldnt look him in the eyes and seeing how disapointed he was getting when i told him i failed again and again so after 3 years of telling him always the truth i started lying and doing the same i did with my mom saying everything was good. Last year i was supposed to end graduation in their ideas and starting masters this year which is a massive lie the school year is nearly over and i just got off the phone with my mom for over an hour where i tried not to freak out and burst into tears and only agreeing with everything she said. She thinking im starting the next year with internship and the thesis and im not what i did however sided with uni was having a small course of life support and first aid thats the only thing i managed to finish so far. i dont know what to do with my life i feel like a massive failure, i am a liar, but at the same time i cant imagine how it will be/go if i tell the truth and i cant bare the thought o losing everyone from my life, i feel like i just want to be gone of this world or run away.