I am afraid that I am beyond redemption because of disgusting s***** acts before I have even turned 18

hello everybody i am making this post as quite frankly there is no one i can talk to about this. also sorry for the bad formatting i wrote this over the course of maybe a week and have just been adding things when i remember them i have tried to format it better it before i post it but it is probably still a mess

i am currently 17 and have done awful things. i have tried to justify it to myself blaming my undiagnosed autism and ocd and possible other issues such as depression and anxiety i am being assesed for and p*** addiction and trauma for years and telling myself its all in the past but it isnt working much anymore.

for context and what i tell myself to try and justify my continued existence i grew up with a rough childhood at times with my parents being abusive to eachother when i was very young and seperating then having alot of stressfull times with my parents partners (drug dealers etc) and such and my parent somewhat neglecting me or taking their anger out at me and being socially shunned and or bullied throughout school (i know this does not excuse my actions at all). and after alot of these incidents i would self harm with cutting and hititng myself and trying to burn myself a few times to try and even the scales more so out of fear of going to hell than actual guilt but guilt was a part of it or i atleast hope it was

around since when i was maybe 7 years old i have had a s***** obsession with farts, s***, vomit and other taboo fetishes. this led me to enjoy watching my friends use the bathroom when we were out playing and when i was 8 i think sneaking into the bathroom with my younger cousin who was about 7 or 6 at the time i think to watch eachother pee and poop and experiment with eachothers g******* sometimes. i initiated this i think (sorry for the constant i think i have tried not to think about this for years) and eventually when i was 10ish i confessed to my parent about how i placed my g******* against and in their a*** once. the were reasonably freaked out but stayed calm for my sake.

when i was 8 i kept pushing the limits of what i could do in school by stealing stuff, leaving school in the middle of the day, starting fights (although i dont remember if i started most of them as i was somewhat bullied) and generally causing trouble for everyone.

after this i started watching p*** of such things over the years getting more and more extreme eventually leading to me looking at violent p**********, voyeurism, a few times videos of enemas being inserted in sleeping women, lolicon, shotacon, zoophillia as well as videos of kids doing the sprite challenge and vomitting and asmr of one using the bathroom, p*** that was either acting out r*** or was literal r*** (i hope it was just acting it out) and once a school shooting p**** where the shooter had s** with a dead girls body (this was all acted out) and other very depraved things i have probably repressed. m*********** to the s*** and fart stuff nearly daily multiple times a day since i was 10 or 11 (was somewhere around a week clean when i wrote this part but relapsed looking at furry s***)

i would like to clarify about this i cut out most of this when i was 16 (it shouldnt have gone on that long i know) the only ones i looked at after was the toilet related ones and loli and shotacon which as stated i am trying to avoid and stay clean.

when i was maybe 10 or 11 i developed an attraction to my step sisters who were 1 and 4 years younger than me and would m********* to the thought of them going to the bathroom and such.

also around this time a non s***** horrible thing i did was basically bully a medium to heavily autistic guy (i do not know the proper term im sorry) on my school bus with one of my friends at the time i think we hit him and stuff aswell as in general treating anyone lower than me on the social ladder in school badly.

eventually i became good friends with someone when i was 11 and then we became romantic partners when i was 12 or 13 and i started m*********** to the thought of them using the bathroom (i did this with alot of my friends throughout my years of being 12-16. aswell and having sick vile fantasies about them. and when i had sleepovers with this partner i masturbated a few times when they were asleep in the same bed as me.

throughout this relationship i would often m********* to other real people and did not respect them asking me not to m********* to the thought of them farting and stuff.

i would also to put it plainly emotionally and physically abuse them in anger like a coward beating them whenever i thought they were insulting me or just even did anything better than me and calling them stupid and saying they are unintelligent and unfunny over small things and manipulate them to stay with me everytime i did it over the course of those years.

when i was 14 or 15 i used to be in a discord server with alot of people one of which being 4 or 5 years younger than me. this person one night started a conversation with me and another person in the server about how they needed to go to the bathroom but couldnt because their parent was having s** in the other room. i acted normally and said stuff like “just go to the bathroom” and such but they started talking about how they would just urinate in a cup or the bathtub and it something they did in the past. i dont remember saying anything about it except “okay” at the time but it aroused me aswell as them confessing to have masturbated to the thought of me (i was not close to this person in that way and had never asked them to do something like that) i just responded with “dont do that again please” but truthfuly both of those things aroused me. and i masturbated a few times to the messages of them talking about the bathroom stuff over the years. (disgusting i know)

i would also m********* to the thought of another member in the server who i was close with at the time. they were 2 years older than me i think but i would get aroused by them telling me and a few others about how they were having diarrhea for 10 minutes straight. i would also m********* to an audio clip they posted of them burping while looking at a picture of their face.

and i also intentionally left my cell phone in my ex partners bathroom many times hoping to get audio of them using the bathroom and vomitting which i did which i would m********* to at home including the ones of their parents. also hoping they would eventually forget to flush the toilet so i could taste their feces which i eventually did (unsure if it was theirs or their parents i think it was their parents).

when i was 15 or 16 while in school i had this friend who would burp alot who i found physically unattractive and fetishized that fact to myself m*********** to the thought of them, muting myself in a call to m********* to the sound of them burping. and once in school m*********** in a bathroom stall who i thought was next to theirs to the sound of them using the bathroom. i dont remember if it was actually next to theirs or i was mistaken.

i also masturbated in the school bathrooms often throughout me being 12-15

eventually when i was 16 i would intentionally change the valves on my toilet so it would not flush when they came over hoping for them to leave feces in the toilet but this never worked (thankfully) and also tried to create an ai version of their voice to read out the disgusting fantasies i had with the chatbot versions i made of them.

i also took videos of their a*** when they were asleep and masturbated to those with fart, s*** and whatever over disgusting noises dubbed over.

i would create sick text documents about my ex partner, the friend who burped alot and my younger step sibling detailing everything i knew about their bathroom habits, feces etc and m********* to the details and try to gather more asking them about how their bathroom visits went

when i was at a hotel with my step siblings i would go into the bathroom after they had used the bathroom and m********* to the smell and any marks on the bowl. (this happened a couple other times aswell i think of which i think i tasted the feces from the marks too.)

during this time i also masturbated to an image i took of my older step siblings behind where their underwear was showing through their shorts and i would m********* to a story i was told of the younger one using the bathroom

i also masturbated to the thought of my parent which makes it so i feel guilty even living with them (aside from the guilt of being a monster in general making me feel guilty for living with them and being their child).

a few times when i have been m*********** i have had images of my siblings and such come in my head which i try my best to stop that train of thought (unsure if this is related to the ocd)

around this time i would get aroused by fantasies of my families pets defecating, farting doing general vile things aswell

also around this time i would regularly m********* while my pet was in the room and once while looking at and sniffing my pets a*** and touching their g*******. i still feel guilt alot of the time when they even look at me. i still let them sleep in my bed which i really should not but i tell myself i wont do something like that again and it would be cruel to shut them off.

i also had a habit of taking punishing my pets too far from 8-16 beating them with my hands, legs, and weapons heavily over minor things using it as an excuse to take my anger out on them. i am scared part of me enjoyed the act of beating them and i was not just enjoying the relieving my anger

5-8 months after the incident of me recording my ex partners a*** i confessed a small part of this to them (looking at their behind when they were asleep) when the death anxiety fueled panic and guilt got to me making them cut all contact with me and tell me they werent even sure if i was redeemable.

since then i have done my best to learn from these things and to be a better person (donating blood and trying to be emotionally there for people and buying them gifts, occasionally picking up trash in the street and such) to make up for all the bad i have done but deep down i know it doesnt even make up for 0.1% of what ive done.

i also turned to christianity for most of the year until realising i would have to confess to what i had done to a priest which scared me away aswell as me just deep down believing i had bought into it as a two in one solution for my guilt and fear of what comes after death i have had come in and out my life since early childhood.

i also masturbated to messages from a friend of a friend talking about how bad their diarrhea was

i had a relapse in this sort of behaviour a couple months ago when i once again went into the bathroom after my older step sibling had been at the bathroom and i masturbated in the shower. (i dont remember if i was focusing on the smell or the p*** i was looking at) and i still have dirty urges to look at theirs and family members breasts and b*** which i manage to make myself not and snap out of it most of the time and when i dont i snap out of it after a few seconds and feel the shame and disgust wash over me.

also until recently i would alot of the time use ai chatbots to live out my disgusting fantasies of forcing characters into my vile scenarios often against their will including loli and s**** characters. in the past i also made ai versions of a few people mentioned here like my previous partner, the friend who burped alot, and the friend who told us the bathroom story and lived out my sick depraved immoral fantasies with these chatbots aswell. i even made one of the ex partner months after they told me they never wanted to see me again to live out a couple fantasies of them defecating on me as they left my life (vile i know).

i have and still do m********* while other people are in the house which i do not know if it is immoral

i have probably done other things like all of this that i have repressed but these are all the ones that i can remember.

i want to talk to a therapist about all this but i know i would be reported to my family and authorities.

the guilt of all these things is eating me alive making me on edge (rightfully so). i really want to or atleast know the right thing to do is to tell my family about all this but i am terrified of them hating me and being disowned and sent to prison for years not being able to get mental help or meds (currently hoping i can be put on anti depressants) and being beaten, raped and murdered.

i feel like im living a lie and if anyone who knew me found out about any of this they would hate me and at minimum and never want to see me again. which makes me feel like a fraud to my family and friends of this “troubled but good child” when deep down i dont know if i am good at all

i think my issue is i have this immense fetish for things i know are wrong and thats the part i get off on. the fact it is so fucked up excites me to the point i find a way to justify it in my head before i do these unspeakable things.

i have destroyed so much of my life in lust for temporary pleasure constantly making excuses why its okay every time and i hadnt crossed the line because “i never actually raped anyone”

i am probably just making this post to try and justify my continued life of lying by ommision to everyone and in a hope that i get caught for what ive done because i am too much of a coward to admit this to my family, friends and authorities when i know deep down it is the right thing to do even if everyone leaves me and i become hated.

even if i did confess this to everyone and did time in prison how do i even continue my life after doing all this? anyone who knew even one of these things would not want to be anywhere near me and getting a job and house while being on a s** offender registry would not be easy.

and if i do confess how do i even do it i cant just say “hey family i am actually abusive, p*** addicted, zoophile, p********, s***** assaulter and predator and i have sick fantasies about most of you and also have masturbated to most of you.”

basically the whole point of this post is that i am scared that i am a genuine monster, i am scared of losing my family and friends, i am scared i do not feel genuine remorse and am just afraid of the consequences of my actions. and life is starting to seem like a big joke that we all are actors in. i desperately want to be told that my life is still worth continuing and that im not too far gone even though that probably isnt true. i really do want to be a good person like everyone else or atleast i think i want to.

i know this post has been alot of me saying everything bad i have done but i hope there is some good in me. i try to act compassionate even if i do not truly feel it when someone is not doing well and i try to forgive people who have treated me wrong which is probably just me trying to prove to myself that it is possible for people to be forgiven so i can be forgiven but yeah.

if you think you know who i am from this post i will lie to you and say it is not me if you bring it up to me and ask if it is me

also i am making this on a vpn so please do not break into someones house or something to try and enact justice yourself as it will not be my house.

and if you do find my real location do not burn my house done or something please i live with my parent and siblings and pets and i do not want them to get hurt.

i am deleting this account after i post this but i will still read comments for advice and such

thank you for reading this and i hope you have a good day, week, month, year and life.