4 years
x
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I’ve been getting all the help I need and I have the best support group you could have, but for some reason I can just never feel completely happy with myself and the things I do in my life. And it doesn’t help that I’m someone who doesn’t want to bother people with my feelings too much or burden people. I just really want to kill myself someday but can never do it cause I fear pain not matter how long term or shot it is. And I can’t help but remember when my dad says that committing suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do and that the last thing I want to do. But every now and then I wanna overdose on my anti depressants or just stab myself with a kitchen knife or jump off of a multi story building. And then it just suddenly goes away or suddenly gets ten times worse. I don’t know what to do with myself really. I know I want to continue living, but my mind really puts that choice to the test when it puts me through this mental torture.

New Confession

Ex wife refused her punishment. Let s** coach/coordinator know. He was very disappointed in me but told me to let things blow over and he will convince the other married men i kneel for to start coming around again as long as my ex wife stops coming over. Understandably they dont like the risk od her showing up unannounced wanting to see me on my knees again. But he said he and or his son would start visiting my mouth again soon as long as i agreed to changing locks on house and shed where i orally service them. I agreed and he and his son came over with new locks and we divided and conquered changing the locks (without any time on my knees). They told me they had talked and would find another woman to take the son’s virginity with women. They told me that they were telling me this for two reasons. So that my place if i was willing would be the safe space for the son to experience a woman. Father and son also agreed that that experience should be something that the son experience both me and the woman, and then the woman separately, so that the son could decide his own preferences. The father also said that he would like to use my place to put female candidates thru their paces to select the right woman for his son,’s first experiences with a woman. The father even said he was sorry for having to punish me so severely but he did it because i was responsible for bringing my ex wife into all this and putting all the neighborhood hisbands i kneel for at risk. He even said that while he did not see it being the same woman he eventually selects for his son, he was willing to find a female FWB for me to replace my ex wife and told me he understood how it all happened but that i would be happier in the long run without the insane toxicity of my ex being the outlet for my heterosexual side. I have not heard from ex wife since the attempt to convince her to take her punishment for her contribution to the issue and idk when i will hear from her next.

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