e never told anyone this before. (but if i keep hiding it im just gonna explode).. when i was 8 i had an attraction to animals. i stumbled upon some

4 years

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e never told anyone this before. (but if i keep hiding it im just gonna explode).. when i was 8 i had an attraction to animals. i stumbled upon some p********** of it and ever since then it completely consumed my life. and, well, as a curious child 8 yr old kid i wanted to know how it felt. so i attempted to have i********** with the family dog…thank god it did not work. he wasn’t interested at all.

a few days after this i looked up if it was legal and animals could consent, the answer was a resounding no. i was disgusted and ashamed but the attraction stayed there. basically for most of my life i shut myself inside my room and did not have a lot of interaction with my parent. this was because my parents were undergoing depression/anxiety , so they could not spend as much time with me and thus it affected me mentally as well.

i just made up my own worlds in my head, drowning in p*** basically. as well as being physically, verbally bullied i was even more disconnected from reality. i didnt take care of my own body. i didnt shower , wash my hair, brush my teeth, sometimes i skipped eating. i had friends… good friends? debatable.

but in high school i started to change. that was because i have been professionally diagnosed with anxiety, depression. my parents did not like the idea of me having a mental disorder so it took me a while to convince them to get me a psychiatrist. finally i got medicated , my life got better. i started to talk with my parents more, went out after a long while, take care of my body.

i realized why i was like that in the first place. why i had an attraction to animals. it was because i idealized it. like i said, i was cut off from the real world and had no knowledge of anything , really… but once i started to have more friendly interactions with animals my attraction began to fade. i never was actually attracted to animals because i didnt know anything about them.. i was just fantasizing it inside my head, so when reality hit me.. it just went away.

so yeah im good now. got a good relationship with my parents n dog. i probably wont tell anyone close to me irl ever about this. im afraid they will see me like a monster. afraid they wont understand. afraid they wont trust me anymore. afraid they think im still the same as i was before. i wish there were more venting spaces for people with unorthodox, questionably ethical fetishes. obviously people who have assaulted someone is not ok.

but people like us who have not acted on it, we dont really have a choice a lot of the time. most of us are like this cause of trauma or unfortunate neuroscience. in my case i suppose its a bit of both. i understand why though its not talked about. because we can trigger the victims who have undergone that.. but we are also victims who developed a different form of coping to the trauma.

thank u for reading. u dont have to agree with me. i just feel good getting this off my chest.

New Confession

Ex wife refused her punishment. Let s** coach/coordinator know. He was very disappointed in me but told me to let things blow over and he will convince the other married men i kneel for to start coming around again as long as my ex wife stops coming over. Understandably they dont like the risk od her showing up unannounced wanting to see me on my knees again. But he said he and or his son would start visiting my mouth again soon as long as i agreed to changing locks on house and shed where i orally service them. I agreed and he and his son came over with new locks and we divided and conquered changing the locks (without any time on my knees). They told me they had talked and would find another woman to take the son’s virginity with women. They told me that they were telling me this for two reasons. So that my place if i was willing would be the safe space for the son to experience a woman. Father and son also agreed that that experience should be something that the son experience both me and the woman, and then the woman separately, so that the son could decide his own preferences. The father also said that he would like to use my place to put female candidates thru their paces to select the right woman for his son,’s first experiences with a woman. The father even said he was sorry for having to punish me so severely but he did it because i was responsible for bringing my ex wife into all this and putting all the neighborhood hisbands i kneel for at risk. He even said that while he did not see it being the same woman he eventually selects for his son, he was willing to find a female FWB for me to replace my ex wife and told me he understood how it all happened but that i would be happier in the long run without the insane toxicity of my ex being the outlet for my heterosexual side. I have not heard from ex wife since the attempt to convince her to take her punishment for her contribution to the issue and idk when i will hear from her next.

Related Confessions

Talk anout regretting on top of guilt. Ex wife was worried about what was going on after she sthpidly started trying to xontact the s** ciach/coordinator to f*** her again. She was burning me up with texts and calls. I finally told her the short form of what happened punitively and she at first sisnt seem to care. All she wantes to talk about waa him f****** her again. Welcome to the latest reason this is all so toxic. That while i had arranged it the whole mess was going to make it where i have no s***** outlet at all and only my body had paid the price for her obsession about this man f****** her again. That at least caught her attention. I tols her the bruises will take days or over a week to fade and j was still in serious pain. She kept asking and i told her i was not going to send her video she would have to aee wgat i meant in person. Conflicting for me because of pain anger and motive and pretty sure ahe only wants to see the video for the kick of it. Atm i could care if she comes over or sees it or i end up celibate bc of her.