I confess that I have violent sadistic fantasies of a man I like. I do not want to lose my virginity and celibacy, though I have done other lewd acts and enjoy threatening to do things to him, such as with pushing him down and threatening to put his p**** to tear my hymen and to impregnate me. I like to threaten him with stabbing him whenever he leaves me. I feel guilty, as I do not want to hurt him, though I cannot handle him not being in my life. I confess this guilt in me, as I do feel a bit dirty, but I truly have marriage in mind with him. The other day, I wanted to buy him gifts to spy on him for when we meet again in the future. I hate the thought of him with another woman, the thought of him leaving me or taking those things from me, it makes me want to commit sinful acts with murderous intentions. I apologize, God.