new school. im 18 years old. i was excited to get in because i could make new friends. i think i have trust issue because i constantly lying after a few times. good thing i have it because i just realized that they’re not responsible with secrets. my gut feeling was so strong that sometimes i forgot to hide my expression and kind of blurt out my weakness (anxiety,panic, etc). i also kinda love to exposed myself without thinking the consequences. i do have doubt that my school friend tell my secret to her bf but the thing is i wanna trust her so bad that idm whatever happen to my secrets. ive been selfish by testing out if my old friends have connection with my schoolmates.my old friends said that she didnt have any contact with them but i checked their insta and their actions rather weird. ik its my fault and non of my business but okay since you lied to me then it was fine for me to lie back then too. The most shocking day for me was in an exam. all of them smiling,smirk,stare and when i ask one of my schoolmate why u guys smiling? “huh?idk. i just woke up and blur rn” with her trying to cover his smile. ive suspected a long ago that my school friends also testing me. when i try to talk with her like really in need of help. she doesnt bother and was eating. i mean i understand that she was eating but sigh maybe its also my fault for being too depending on ppl. after we done talking at the toilet, i saw that one of the guy in my class pointing his finger to me and do the asking face. my friend react to it by head shake. i feel like a gun pointed to my head and got shoot. the day after that feel like hell to me. i feel like being watched and i need to behave or else they all gonna attack me. and it did happen this week.well what can i say all my suspicious become true but they’re suspecting me for being a psycho.we all ARE. it does bother me for this monday to wednesday then i dont come to school.my fault here is also being too care of what ppl say. i dont mind if they said im problematic but you cant say that it was 100% my fault. i dont have high ego and ill just apologize for something that i did. i dont believe in “repeating mistake after a lot of sorry is just manipulation” im sorry but im not some sort of angel/god that can be that perfect.i think we,re being psycho/manipulative but the only difference is i do it to protect myself and they do it for all of them in class. even they do all that only some that say sorry to me. but ouh well i already forgive them and i also need to change some of my behaviour. thank you for everything. you guys were still a good person. i did a list of it and how i wish i could show to you guys that its okay to be not perfect and u guys shouldve tell me the same without doing the inspection thing.
