I have always struggled with suicidal ideation, but ever since I started taking antidepressants 4-ish years ago it has been more bearable and less frequent. Through guidance of my doctor, I started lowering the dosage at the start of 2022. At first it went terrible with panic attacks almost daily, intense anxiety and the like. Then it started getting better, but what never went away is the suicidal thoughts. I am now convinced I will end it in 2023. For the past two weeks almost obsessively the first thought I wake up to is that it is gonna be my last year on earth. However, it is unfair, I should not feel like this, I have a good life: a loving family, amazing friends, my cat who is my best bud, uni is going well, I live comfortably. I know it will be awful for my loved ones if I actually end it cause I do know I am loved. Yet I am still too selfish to look positively at my life, to be grateful for what I have instead of obsessing over what I lack. I am pissed off with myself and it angers me that I am acting like a victim when I am just terrible. I just do not know what to do anymore