I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now. He has cheated on me twice, and there has been countless other girls telling me about what he said to them and they have all sent me countless screenshots of texts he has sent. Recently I have been questioning my feelings with him. I know I deserve more but I can’t seem to let him go, even though countless people tell me to ditch him. He was my Highschool sweetheart and seems to always promise the world. Yet, I can never get over the first time he cheated on me. It eats me up everyday, and it drives me crazy. Yet, I still can’t get rid of him. I fear that if I get rid of him and move on with my life, I will always miss him. So, in order to still cope years later I listen to “Back to December” by Taylor Swift. (He cheated on me December 1-2). That song makes me want to cry my heart out and get sick from crying. That song will never be the same for me, 2 years from now, or 90 years from now. I just want the regret and feelings to go away. I love him, I really really do. But I am never going to get over this. It just seems that girls either hate him horrifical, or want to climb him. And I hate how girls are attracted to him. Yet, I let him go out and talk to these girls in fear he will leave me for being “toxic”. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I love him but everything he dose eats me up inside. I guess once a player, always a player. I guess some of this come from jealousy, that he can go out and drink and have fun with friends, yet I’m not a people-person and rather stay in. I love to hate him, and hate to love him. I don’t want him to ever leave, yet I think if he walked out of my life, I think I would let him. But also, he never seems to want to leave. I have done multiple things to try to shake him off (went out with guy friends (hell I almost kissed one), ghosted him, insult him, etc. Yet, he never seems to leave. (Yes I know that was wrong to do to him and I am equally as toxic now.) I don’t know what to do. I just wan to figure this all out before its too late and im married with 2 kids and a mortgage with him. It seems like we are soulmates, twin flames, whatever, but just at the wrong time. Maybe in another life time or planet. I trust him with my life, but I don’t trust him with my heart. He tells me all the time that he loves me more than I love him, and I think he is right. But I can’t tell him that. I want the best for him, and I want that to be me, but I also don’t want it to be me. I love you.