3 years ago I cheated on my girlfriend. I went to a shady massage parlour and got a h******. I managed to forget about it for a couple of years but in the last few months I have suddenly started thinking about it again, until the point that I am thinking about it every day.

After it had happened I had decided that I would take this secret to my grave, as there was no way that anyone would find out as I have not told a soul. I have not done anything else since and I have been a good boyfriend.

The guilt is eating me up and I don’t know what to do now. I know if I tell her it will hurt her a lot and ruin our relationship but at the same time I feel like I am living a lie. My girlfriend, her family and friends think the world of me and that I am a perfect partner but deep down I no I am not and I have done a shameful thing.

As much as I hate feeling how I do now, I can’t say that what I did was a mistake. I had been thinking about it for a long time. Our relationship had become stale and I was looking at other women all the time, fantasising about having s** with them. The idea that I would never sleep with another woman again was depressing and to be honest I still feel like that now. I often m********* while thinking about my ex’s, other women and even my girlfriends sister.

I know that anyone reading this will think I am evil and deserve to feel terrible, but I like to think that I am good person overall. I am kind to people, a good partner, a good father to our children and like to think I have a strong sense of right and wrong.

That’s why this act I have done does not sit well in my soul. I know there is a bad person deep inside me, the real person that we pretend is not there and who is overidden with all the values society has brainwashed us into believing are virtous.

I’m not religious at all, if I was I would ask why god gives me these feelings about other women that I know I can’t pursue. A religious person would say that this is the devil and that temptation is a test to show you a worthy of going to heaven. But as I do not believe in religion, I am sure this is our human nature, and that as a male we are genetically programmed to want to impregnate as many women as possible to continue the human race.

So where does love come into this? I believe I have been in love at least twice in my life. The feelings of wanting to be around that person all the time, getting jealous at the idea of them being with someone else, feeling a strong s***** attraction towards them and thinking about it all the time.

However in both times of being in love, this feeling has only lasted a year or so and then it has slowly petered out into more of a friendship. S** has become rare and the idea of it is often a chore. I dont feel s***** attraction when looking at my partners body as I just see it as an extension of me or a piece of furniture in the house. It is not the body of goddess I once used to worship.

And looking around at other couples, while I dont know this for sure, I believe this is what happens to most relationships. I cant see how this intense feeling at the start of the relationship could go on forever, otherwise people just wouldnt get anything done! I remember that my partner was all that was on my mind at the start of our relationship, everything else I had no interest in.

If this is the case with most couples, then it makes sense that as a male we would start looking at other females, by this 1 year mark, cavemen would have made their woman pregnant and she would have given birth and he would naturally be ready to move on to the next woman to impregnate at that point.

Now many would argue that our brains are much more developed than a cavemans and we should be better trained to fight these instincts, but we aren’t.

I feel like my confession has taken a u-turn and I am now trying to defend what I did, I want to clarify that is not my intention, as it is not justifiable what I did. I broke a sacred relationship rule and I know the pain that confessing would cause my partner.

So now I need to make a decision what I do next. Will this confession perhaps be enough to alleviate me of my guilt? I am doubtful. Perhaps a therapist, this seems like the next obvious step, as saying it out in the open is said to help. However the overriding thought that I am living a lie and I am not who I say I am is unlikely to ever go away. How can I look my partner in the eye when she tells me what a great man I am and how I would never hurt her? I am a fraud. And I am angry at myself of course, but I am also angry at society and how my natural feelings are not valid and that I should conform into this view that we should love one person forever.

I do still care for my partner, we have fun and occasionally I look at her and feel like having s** with her. But its not how it was at the start, and the thought I might never experience the intense feelings of love again is sad. I dont want to lie on my death bed full of regrets.

I also dream a lot. I dream a lot about falling in love with women who don’t exist. A romantic story plays out in my dreams of running through fields, locking eyes and smiling etc. I will wake up with a taster of the feelings that I remember from falling in love and be in a miserable state the rest of the day.

Another good question, to imagine myself in parralel universe where I hadnt gone to the massage parlour, and how I would be feeling? I imagine although the intense guild wouldnt be there, there would be the longing and desire I felt before, that was somewhat soothed, if only temporarily. I would be imagining what it would be like, looking at escorts and so on online and imagining myself calling them or inviting them over.

Ultimately I crossed the line I drew in my head, from imagining and fantasising, to actually doing. And now that it has resurfaced clearly my soul is telling me something needs to change.

So to tell and make myself feel better, in affect passing on my pain, or to bury it and feel the shame forever. How long should I have to suffer? What is a fair sentance for my crime. Should I end the relationship and put us both out of our misery? Although she is oblivious to that misery altogether and thinks im the bees knees (or atleast a half decent bloke).

F*** I dont know, it is a hard one, being single is lonely and miserable, I remember those feelings of dreaming of having a partner and a family, and I got that and after I while I was miserable again but in a different way. My partner says I get bored easily and thats true. I am hard to satisfy.

If only it were normal in society to have a 1 year contract with a partner. If you wanted to you could renew your contract or end it and no harm done. I doubt this would work. In my experience females seem to be wired differently. Thats what makes it heartbreaking as in my experience they are often the innocent victim. They are totally family focused and selfless. They are resilient and have a massive tolerance for pain. They wont start thinking about other blokes if things arent great at home, they will wait and try to make things work. If a women is having doubts, you have really blown it because they will give you so many chances.

As much as I say this I dont think I could continue in our relationship if I confessed. I think the power inbalance would make things impossible. The trust would be gone, I could have no excuse to be upset if I was questioned on anything as I am now capable of lying. It could take years to rebuild that trust and may never come back. I would always be the liar and the cheater and spend my life trying to repent. No, that sounds like no sort of a life. If I confess I think it would all be over.

From my research online, if I am bury the secret. I need to forgive myself. Thats a hard one because I dont know if I feel that differently than I did then. I dont know if I regret it because it was a great experience. So do I instead accept I am an a****** and try to remove my guilt that why, that I shouldnt feel guilt in the first place.

I then become a hyprocrite if she ever does the same to me. Because I cant imagine I would be too pleased. I try to imagine it now and struggle to feel anything. I think it might hurt my pride a little, the idea that she has done something like this to me and that means she doesnt love me as much as I think and therefore I am not that great and irresistable as I think. I should be modest at this point and say “I know i’m not irresistable” But honestly I think I am a catch. I think I can read people well and say and do things just at the right moment. When I am on my game I am the light in the room and feel I charm anyone. Arrogance, maybe, probably.

I think I have confessed enough now, I do feel…..better although I did not confess as I had expected or what I thought was expected of me. But I think I’ve taken the first step of dealing with the feelings, even it didnt go in the direction I was expecting.

If anyone is reading this, I am just a normal guy that are all around you. I am not a freak, at least not on the outside, I conform with the system and I could work in the shop or the bank and you would never know.

I feel like my inner being is coming out now, the person I really am and have never showed anyone before, it feels good…