I feel like I’ve become disgusting and broken. I kept up an image of being the poster child for my whole life until I burnt out in college, but behind

4 years

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I feel like I’ve become disgusting and broken. I kept up an image of being the poster child for my whole life until I burnt out in college, but behind that image I was already always a s***** deviant. From a young age I was s******* experimenting by myself. I eventually found out about p*** late in elementary school and fell down a rabbit hole that no child should see. I learned about so many things that fundamentally changed me for the worst and became a part of me.

Tw: long list of disturbing kinks
When I burnt out, it opened some kind of mental flood gate and now I’m just a broken adult that likes getting pissed on, drinking piss, cutting and bleeding and rubbing blood on myself, getting slapped and choked, being seen as nothing but meat to be cooked and eaten, thinking about killing myself, thinking about being killed for s***** pleasure, thinking about being turned into unrecognizable gore, being dumb and stupid, being called a bimbo, getting called useless and worthless, being treated like I’m worthless, general degradation, enemas, thinking about men that I don’t know hurting me, crying, sticking fingers down my throat until I gag and tear up, shoving things deep up my a** until they bulge out behind my belly button, thinking about being forced to not shower, swallowing small objects for s***** pleasure, swallowing strangers c**, letting strangers write terrible and degrading things on my body in sharpie, and a bunch of other things that disturb me to no end. I could go on forever.

I’m also a transwoman, and I fear if anyone finds this out about me, I’ll perpetuate this idea that being trans is a mental disorder and trans people are all s***** deviants. It’s not trans people that are s******* fucked, it’s just me and I know this from being friends with other trans people. They’re all so sweet and I don’t want to drag them down with me.

I thought I’d be able to never talk about this, but it just eats away at me every day and I just have to tell someone. I can’t go on like this. I feel so alone in this, I feel so gross and disgusting, I don’t want anyone to know this about me, but if I don’t tell it will eat me alive. And not in a fun way.

I never got into s*** though. Never liked poop, thank god.

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