i wish my moms ex bf would k him self. he was like a father figure to me bc my parents divorced when i was 6 and thats when he came into our lives. but then in 2020 their relationship started falling apart. then he started s******* abusing me. i blame myself because i got addicted to the feeling of being touched. he always did it when i was falling asleep bc he would cuddle me and cuddling was normal for us so i let him cus it felt good. i was 14. he stopped suddenly one day and then i realized what was happening was so incredibly wrong and was pedophilia. i think its possible he may have touched me in my sleep but idk if that was a nightmare my brain created or real. i felt so disgusted with myself i couldnt touch my own skin, like not even my arm. i still do feel disgusted. i was afraid he was gonna r*** me in my sleep for the next few years until he moved out recently. hes apologized and sobbed and cried while apologizing and i forgave him in the moment. but i wanna take back my forgiveness bc what hes done to my body ruined my life. im afraid of being intimate with people bc im afraid theyll touch me and that itll remind me of him. idk what my s******** is because its fucked me up in my head, i dont wanna be with a man because itll remind me of him at the same time as i want to be in a relationship with a man one day, im very comfortable with the idea of being with a woman too (i knew i was bi before it happened) he keeps in contact with us and since hes moved out hes become increasingly depressed. i feel so bad at the same time as i dont care. it would be so much easier for him to k himself bc then i can come out about what hes done and get therapy so i can be comfortable in my own skin again. but it makes me sick to my stomach to wish death upon someone even him. i hate him but our familial relationship makes me care for him. i wish i could erase it all from my brain and body. i wanna be comfortable again.