I’m an adult running out of time to truly become active in my own life and live, but I suspect the biggest problem is I’m unmotivated and have a loser mentality- I don’t think I’m capable or good enough which is sometimes reasonable and sometimes not- and I think this more so than my age is possibly the reason I haven’t fully realized whatever practical abilities I hope I have or had more success in life (any area). I’m afraid it’s too late to marry but when I was younger, I was pretty sure I wasn’t marriage material and couldn’t compete in the dating market. To clarify, I wasn’t an impolite or cruel/selfish person I just didn’t really having anything to offer a partner and I wasn’t mentally/emotionally mature enough (mix of being naïve/poor boundaries & confidence and also distinctly afraid of people/communicating with people). I’m afraid I can’t do anything better than what I do now but probably not where I should retire. Where I work is pretty decent employment even though I’ve been passed over for promotions repeatedly, know I won’t be promoted there (while sincerely wondering if there’s a valid reason I’m not seeing- because there could be), and although I’m one of the strongest employees based on feedback I struggle often and not in the way that promotes growth. I’m actually afraid of almost everything and am on edge when I’m outside of my place and tired/unmotivated when I get home. I’m undisciplined and unmotivated and although I’d like to change these 2 things there’s nothing that feels worth putting in the work. I only want to relax and unwind (bonus would be to have a better functioning mind-it’s all ideas/thoughts and crossed wires in there). Pretty sure I’ve made a mistake living this long and never giving up, but I’m also ashamed for wasting the amazing opportunities that previously have been or currently are available.
I wish to be closer to a version of myself I’d respect/value, but along with not fully knowing what that looks like to me (although I’ve thought about and written down my ideals/values/goals, I’ll lose interest and question if it’s what I actually want), nothing motivates me to maintain consistent behavior to even approach my ideal and I will pay dearly for this distinct lack of discipline, and already have many times in life. That also scares me, and yet I’ve either been too strong to fully quit or too much of a coward to fully quit. Honestly sometimes I just didn’t want people to see my place a mess and just put quitting off until later after I could clean up.
Whew…nice to get that off my chest and sorry for the length.