Almost a month ago I was outed for a disgusting action. Even anonymously it’s hard for me to tell what it was. It’s all online, but it doesn’t take away from the severity.

I have felt severe guilt since then. I know what I did was wrong, and I know that the fallout that came from it was deserved and likely me getting off easy. What I did could get me arrested. I didn’t endanger anyone, I haven’t physically harmed anyone. I said things to people I shouldn’t have, and I expressed feelings and emotions to people I shouldn’t have. I let myself be weak and vulnerable, making decisions that will now haunt me for the rest of my life.

For a few weeks, I was able to be okay and even be happier. But the past two days I have felt this knawing guilt. Like all that weight that was lifted off my shoulders is back again. The new online friendships I’ve moved on to know that I did something severe, but don’t know what it is. I told my roommate that I did something to deserve the reaction, but didn’t tell him what it is that I did.

I feel I am not exactly lying, but I am not telling the truth either, and I think it’s beginning to destroy me. If I told my roommate what I did, he’d likely want to seek new roommates. If I told my online friends, they’d banish me as the people did in the original group. If I told my parents, they’d never look at me the same way again. If I told my counselor, I’d likely end up behind bars with everyone around me not wanting to associate with me. It doesn’t matter how hard I am trying, how far I am going, to fix who I am and become better. The weight of this mistake will always follow me as it’s now stuck online for the rest of eternity.

I thought not specifying what it is would not only let me move on but avoid any further damage. All it’s really doing is making me feel like I’m hiding something from people, hoping that no one stumbles across the past I am trying to leave behind. It’s been so bad I, an agnostic, prayed to God asking for forgiveness and for a second chance at life. A chance to be better.

I just don’t know what to do. I know it’s only been a month and I need more time, but what if time doesn’t change anything? It’s a lose-lose. I either keep going as I am and eventually crumble under the weight or come clean and lose more people from my life.