5 years
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I have a cousin 8 years younger than me who I used to molest. It started when she was 5 years old (making me 12 or 13) when I was at her house for a birthday party, either for her or her one of her siblings. She has a younger brother (middle) and a sister (youngest). There were about a dozen other family members there and my dad and I stayed for an hour or so after everyone else left. Not long before we finally left my cousin comes running out of the bathroom (my aunt was trying to give her a bath) completely naked except shoes and socks with her hands over her nonexistent b**** (because she’s like 5) which I thought was kinda funny because she didn’t try to cover her privates, like she doesn’t even know she has anything down there but she’s hiding t*** that haven’t even grown yet. Once, we were at a playground and she yells out “boys have tails down there!” and I asked her what girls have and she said “girls don’t have anything” so it’s probably true that they’re unaware of their own private part but it’s not like they can see down there without a mirror. Anyway, she runs up to me and asks me to untie her shoes so I kneel down to help her and she puts her foot up on a stool, which wasn’t necessary because I can just sit and take them off with no trouble. Then I look up at her crotch because I can’t help it and I see her p**** and it seems like she’s totally unaware that I’m seeing it even though she probably knows I’m looking there. I looked at it a few times trying not to be obvious about it of course but I can’t help it because I’m curious and I’ve never seen one before. Hell, at this point I’ve never even held hands with a girl, never mind “playing doctor” and this was the 80s so no internet p*** and Dad didn’t subscribe to p****** so I’m totally sheltered. Anyway, the first thing I noticed was that it looked like a little empty hot dog bun, not that I have another girl’s p**** to compare it to so wtf do I know?
It was at that time that I determined that I wanted to touch it. I had an idea about what s** is and I had already been jacking off so I wasn’t a total dope about that stuff. In fact I think I jacked off thinking about her when I got home. So over the next few months or so when I got her alone somewhere I would lay down with her and very slowly put my hands on her to feel her up working towards putting my hand down her pants. The first time I did that I think we were in the back seat of our grandparents’ car on the way to a cabin they had by a lake when we stopped at a grocery store and they left us in the car by ourselves. I remember the feeling of the elastic of her p****** on the back of my hand and it took probably 10 minutes from the time I put my hand on her belly until I actually had it in her pants because I was going so slowly, as if that would keep her from finding out I was doing it. She didn’t say no or try to stop me but she did keep her legs closed which didn’t really matter because I found her p**** anyway. I went low and put my finger inside her but not very far because something stopped me, probably her hymen but I knew almost nothing about female anatomy back then, and I didn’t want to hurt her so I just wiggled my finger a little. She started to get wet and after a few minutes my finger was making a smacking sound in her wet p****. I did this to her occasionally over the next several years when we were at our grandparents’ place which was a four bedroom house so there’s lots of places to hide. I would get in bed with her under the covers and take my d*** out and rub it on her leg. I was never interested in her younger siblings, but one time when I was touching her under the covers and rubbing my d*** on her, her brother came into the room and he wanted to get in bed with us so I let him to keep him from complaining but I didn’t do anything to him, or her while he was there.
Once, she had to use the bathroom so I followed her in and when she sat on the toilet I knelt in front of her while she peed to try and see her p**** but I couldn’t see anything. Then she stood up and I sat on the toilet because I needed to use it too and I had a b**** which stuck up when I sat down. As she walked out of the bathroom she looked over her shoulder and saw my hard d*** and smiled before turning the corner to the hallway. I had to j******* after that. Once I even tried to get her to catch me playing with myself hoping that she would either want to watch (or help lol) but her brother and sister were there too so I couldn’t really do anything without them finding out.
When she was about 11 or 12 (which made me 19 or 20 yikes!) we were at our grandparents’ cabin on the lake and I got it into my head that I wanted to have s** with her and not just feel her up or finger her anymore. That was until she was standing on the dock and I was checking her out her curves which I hadn’t noticed because I got out of basic training a couple weeks before this trip and she came with her parents so I didn’t get a chance to feel her up. Then I looked closer and I’m thinking sonofabitch is she wearing a bra? Holy s*** she is! You gotta be kidding me! That means she has b****! That was probably a good thing because it changed the focus from me f****** her to playing with her t***, which I did put my hands on them a couple times over the weekend. I can’t imagine what might have happened if I ever tried to have s** with her, especially because she was getting older and more likely to complain sooner or later. When I was inside by myself I went through her luggage and stole one of her training bras (32A in case you were wondering) and I used to j******* in it. The material they’re made from feels good plus knowing that it was against her b**** helps. That was one of the last times I touched her, except that a couple months after that she was at my house and I was in my room when she came in wearing those leotard type tights they had in the 90s and stood next to me as I was sitting behind the computer playing a game and I put my finger in her crotch outside of her clothes and made a “come here” motion and I was a little rough in doing it too. She spread her legs and arched her hips toward my hand so I assume it felt good. I didn’t do it for more than a few seconds because her brother walked in but I probably wouldn’t have kept doing it anyway. Her mother might question a wet spot in her pants lol. We did have another encounter when she was a few years older (15 or 16 maybe) at our grandparents’ house. She must have gotten ready for bed because she was wearing a nightgown with no bra which probably made her n****** hard because she rubbed one of them on my arm. I know it was deliberate because she put her b*** up to my arm and brushed her n***** back and forth a few times. We weren’t alone but nobody else saw it. If we were alone I probably would have played with them a little.
The funny thing is that I was never interested in her sister, even when she was at the same age. I didn’t pay much attention to her until she was like 15 or so and had a crush on me but I didn’t pursue anything because I didn’t want the older one to find out.

Honestly I wish I never did anything like that to her. I can blame my stunted development all I want but I’m still the only one to blame for it. I never did anything with girls when I was in school. Rarely had playmates my age. Didn’t lose my virginity until I was like 30. The only s***** contact I had as a teenager was one time hanging out in a hotel room a guy in the room called another room and got this girl to come over and they were hanging out on the bed and I put my hand on her a**. This was when I was going into the army reserve and we were at the entrance station when you first enlist and even in the service I never got laid.

As far as I know my cousin didn’t have any after effects from what I did. Maybe she was too young to remember. I doubt she enjoyed it, even the time in my room when I fingered her crotch. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean she wants it. I wish I knew that back then.

I’m just going to leave well enough alone and not mention anything or even admit it. There’s nothing else to be done. Can’t change the past.

New Confession

I spent a lot of quality time over coffee with my MIL. We talked about anything under the sun for hours. Usually when my wife went out shopping or for lunch with her 2 sisters. One day she seemed abnormally quiet and when i asked what was on her mind she said that she was worried i would leave her daughter because she had heard from the other 2 that my wife had shut down s** in our marriage. She said that she knew i loved my wife but that it was clouding my judgement to accept a marriage witbout s**. I got pretty down about hearing the quiet part out loud at all even worse from my MIL who i had great trust in and respect for. She said that while she knew she should think of her daughter first she worried because she knew that i turned a blind eye to the topic and that she was also aware from the other two that my wife was making snide remarks about me m***********. She said she knew me well enough to know that i would never seek an affair but feared that that made me too vulnerable. As the conversation unfolded i admitted that i had considered paying for s** and she implored me to not do that because of risk of disease. Sad as it was i told her that my biggest reason for avoiding it was that all i would want from an e***** would be to be held and talked to while i masturbated but even then it would feel pathetic and lonely and i would not get the fulfillment of knowing i had given pleasure to someone else. She said she understood and we conversationally moved on to other topics.

Weeks went by and it did not come up again but we were rarely alone. But i should have expected she would bring it up again when the moment and privacy allowed. It was more embarassing for me because she said that one of my sisters in law told her that my wife had been making comments that i was being moody and quiet and that i should probably go to a h***** or j******* or something. I was actually angry about the fact that it was being talked about between the women and my MIL said that she got that but what i should be angry about was that my wife showed such disrespect and disregard to shame me to others especially her family. I had to admit she was right and she told me that both her other daughters had agreed to stop listening when my wife made such comments and to tell her to knock it off. I told her i felt really embarassed because this also meant that my SILs’ husbands doubtless knew my situation and all the comments as well. More weeks went by. The sisters go out shopping and my MIL and i are at her table again talking around the topic and she said the issue was not going to go away. I told her i got that but that there was no changing the situation. She left to go to the bathroom and when she came back as we talked about other things she eventually called me out on having been looking at her cleavage in the neck of her robe. I was so ashamed and tried to apologize but she actually laughed and told me to shut up because she had deliberately been showing her cleavage because she felt i deserved to get a peek at a woman occasionally. Then she did not say another word just looked at me and of course i could not stop looking now. It was not like she had huge breasts but the neck of the robe was open very low. I could not speak at all. She reached to the neck of her robe and pulled it more open and lower. All i could do was keep looking despite how awful i felt about what i was doing. She shrugged the robe off her shoulders revealing her breasts down almost to the n****** and by now i was so nervous and paralyzed sitting there trembling. She smiled at my facinated staring and thanked me fo4 the compliment. We sat there for what seemed forever until she spoke my name to get my attention, and just smiled and nodded at me and told me to not deny myself. Feeling so helpless and pathetic did not stop me from reaching under the table as i sat across from her and opening my pants to touch myself under the table. I was lost, slowly stroking myself as i stared at her breasts and sometimes able to look her in the eye. She told me to take my time and enjoy the view and what i was doing. She could tell when i was getting close, telling me to relax, to let it happen, and when she untied her robe and allowed it to fall off her shoulders and breasts completely i lost it and grabbed the edge of the table so tightly as my other hand milked my pleasure out of me. It was so emotional when she placed her hand on mine on the table edge as i moaned and emptied my desperate lust. When my contractions ended she continued to hold her hand on mine as i caught my breath. All i could do was look at her as she smiled, letting me keep looking as she sat there casually bare breasted and smoking a cigarette, eventually even lighting one for me then going to get me a washcloth then sat back across from me as i sheepishly cleaned myself and closed my pants and my face burned as she giggled as i cleaned my puddle off the floor under the table. She just watched as i rinsed the washcloth nervously and sat back down unable to even look at her. She reached over and stroked my cheek and told me to stop overthinking it. Then she asked me to not talk and to just listen. She told me to not read too much into this, but that it was something that yes felt like a betrayal of her daughter but that it was actually one of my SILs that had the idea and the other one convinced her it was a solution to the problem. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die but she made me promise to try to not be embarassed or ashamed and that the three of them (MIL and both SILs) were on my side so to speak. Otherwise there was no need to overtalk or overthink it whatsoever. Over the next months it happened regularly, my SILs simply told me the next time i saw them that they would never treat me badly but that i needed to be braced for the occasional discreet teasing about it in subtle private ways. The first few repeats were only at my MIL’s initiation, she would simply look at me across the table and smile at me and i would pleasure myself as she slowly bared her breasts. She was never impatient nor made me feel like it was a chore. She slowly began to ramp things up over time. I was so turned on by how she would sit there holding my eyes with hers smoking as i stroked myself. I felt like i would pass out the first time she told me to give it to her, to c u m for her. I obeyed as if hypnotized when she told me to stand up and let her watch. She always made it exciting every time. She started to seductively stroke her breasts as i did so. She started sitting close and eventually put my free hand in her breast. Eventually made a new rule that i be naked when i did it for her telling me i owed her the view. I barely kept my balance the first time she had me stand directly in front of her and held her breasts up and told me to milk myself onto them, even casually having a cigarette aftet as she had me clean her breasts with a washcloth. She eventually had me lay on the sofa as she sat across the room and watched me spend hours pleasuring my body for her. Eventually let me lay my head in her lap suckling and nuzzlimg her breasts as i stroked myself. I realized how emotionally addicted to her i was the day i sat at her table after her daughters left and after they left she walked into her own kitchen completely bare and had me follow her to the bathroom so i could touch myself while watching her shower. Even eventually as she lay covered in a bubble bath as i stood looking down at her and as i got close she lifted her torso to let me empty myself onto her wet breasts then had me watch as under the bubbles she pleasured herself while keeping my eyes locked to her eyes. I cherish the day she waited until they left so she could come into her own living room bare and kneel and watch me as i stroked myself for her to watch, then when she knew i was close, stood and took my hand and led me to her bed. She laid back with open thighs and reached up to me and pulled me close, her arms around my shoulders and her legs lockiing around me as i gasped when i entered her as she said it was ok, to just let it happen, we could take our time the next time.

I deeply value the time that both my sisters in law told me how much they cherished me bringing love and passion to their widowed mother’s life. How she had simply wanted to let me feel like a man again but how it had let her feel what a woman longed for again, a true lover for herself as much as her being my lover. After my MIL passed away those two sisters in law and i grieved together. One of them had divorced, and after several weeks tbey both sat me down and told me that she (the divorced one) wanted to fill their mother’s role in my life and i vowed to them both that i would do everything i could possibly do to bring her the joy that i had had with their mother. I am in my 60s now as they are and somehow it is even more fulfilling as time passes and my SIL and i are lovers just as equally as their mother and i were.

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