I am a monster and I want so desperately to apologize for that, but I know that if I try it will only hurt people. Make them feel like they're supposed to

4 years

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I am a monster and I want so desperately to apologize for that, but I know that if I try it will only hurt people. Make them feel like they’re supposed to take part of the blame. And they shouldn’t. It’s all on me. I have at least managed to drag my worthless carcass close enough to being a Real Person to recognize that.

But I’m NOT a Real Person. I’m a monster. I’ve always been a problem, forever saying and doing the wrong thing. Clumsy, fat, ugly, unsuccessful, lazy, disorganized, scatterbrained, useless, worthless.
Even as a child I was always the “difficult one,” (such a kind euphemism for the thing I am.) I didn’t mean to me, and I’m sorry (so so sorry) for it, but I know it’s true. My unruly emotions always got away from me, my pathetic excuse for a brain always wandered off into dreams when I should have been concentrating, my inability to organize made me a messy horror. I was always a disgusting, chubby, ugly slug of a creature. (See? Monster.) To their credit, my parents tried their best to love me. Still do. Poor saintly souls. They deserve so much better.

I’ve tried to fit in with all the Real People, but I’m truly terrible at playing human. I clawed my way through college and tried hard, so hard, to make everyone proud for once. But, of course, I’m worthless and that was a vain, worthless hope from the beginning. Worthless like me. (Monster.) One dead-end, nowhere job after another. Because I’m not good enough for anything else. I’m intelligent–a shock, I know–but I’m too scatter-brained and too lazy to do anything great with it. (Monster.)
Twice now I’ve had long-term relationships with wonderful men and twice now those relationships have crashed and crumbled to pieces. Because of me. Because I’m too emotional. I’m too disorganized. I’m too messy. I’m too ugly. I’m too hard to live with.

So here I am. A monster hiding among people. I don’t mean to be this way. I don’t mean to be me. I hate this thing I am just as much as you do. I struggle so hard to change for the better but, of course, being the worthless filth I am, I fail. And fail. And fail.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry for being the way I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

New Confession

I started exp.osing myself in grade school. The girls were shocked and ran. In most cases they couldn’t see who I was because I covered my face.

Then in high school I ra.ped a girl. I ti e d her to a picnic table and spread her wide open. I examined her holes and then ra.ped her while she screamed and begged. It was a fantastic orga.sm. I kept her pa.nties as a souvenir. I released her and she must not have reported it because I never got in trouble. Too humiliating for her.

In college I ra.ped two more girls. I ra.ped one in the parking lot by dragging her into the nearby woods. I kept her pa.nties too.

Then there was this other girl who was always going around campus telling the male students to not ra.pe anyone. She promoted the idea that there was a ra.pe crisis. I think she just needed some co.ck so one weekend I took her and I ra.ped her repeatedly all weekend long, over and over.

Up her pu.ssy many times and up her a s s too. She was furious, she screamed and raged but eventually she broke and begged and pleaded. Funny thing was that she clim.axed several times while I ra.ped her. I also rubbed her cli.t with my finger and she clim.axed for that too. Her cl.it swelled and got really hard when I rubbed it, she started rocking and begging, “no, no, please no”. She kept rocking back and forth and then she couldn’t hold back anymore and she clim.axed, shivered, shook, moaned and moaned.

I asked her how it was to be the big ra.pe fear spreader on campus and then to get ra.ped She begged me to not tell anyone. I knew then she wasn’t going to report it. After that she no longer spread fear or talked about the male students being ra.pists. I bet she mast.urbates regularly while remembering being ra.ped and it’s probably the best or.gasms she ever has.

Funny thing is I’m dating a girl now who says that ra.pists should be cas.trated, emas.culated, de-balled. She doesn’t know that I am a ra.pist. She doesn’t know my history. I tried to persuade her against cas.tration but she says that ra.pe is so humiliating, it breaks the girl mentally and impacts her for life so the ra.pist should be neutered. She says so “his gun doesn’t have any more bullets”. She means his co.ck can’t shoot a load. It really irritates me to hear her talk that way. I’ve been treating her rougher in bed and I’m just going to drag her into the bedroom, strip her na.ked and ra.pe her. I think that’s what she needs. It’s what they all need and want.

Related Confessions

I am 41 and married. For the past several months, I have been having innocent lunches with a younger guy who calls on our company. Last month after lunch he said he needed to stop at his motel to pick up some packages he needed to mail. It was hot so he offered to leave the car running or I can go in and watch TV while he prepared the packages so I went in with him.. Once he finished the packages he turned and casually kissed me, but it quickly became very passionate and we ended up on the bed. I told him I didn’t want to do anything, but he ran his hand up my skirt quickly finding what he was interested in. I told him again I didn’t want to do anything but after another passionate kiss and what he was doing he embraced me saying it didn’t feel like I wasn’t interested in doing anything I told him that wasn’t it but that I couldn’t because I wasn’t on birth control and my husband had had a vasectomy and I didn’t want to take a chance of getting pregnant but by that time he had gotten me extremely aroused so I told him if he used a condom I would. When he said he didn’t have one I asked him why he would get me in that condition and not be prepared. All it took for him to convince me to have unprotected s** was to say he would buy me a morning after pill This s** was incredible with me having a massive o***** when I felt him c****** inside me. After that then stopping to get the Plan B making up the excuse for why I was an hour late getting back to work from lunch wasn’t very convincing so I took a lot of ribbing from the other girls in the office. Then a week later when my period was due it didn’t come. I figured the pill had messed up my cycle but after another week I took a pregnancy test and despite taking the Plan B, I had gotten pregnant I haven’t told him yet but I’m going to need his help in getting an abortion to save my marriage.