i lie to the people closest to me. i don’t have to, no one’s forcing me to, i just choose to. i convinced myself that if they don’t know what i do, what i’ve done then they can’t get hurt by me. i feel bad more for keeping them around than anything, one day i’ll relapse again or i’ll hurt someone again and then they won’t be able to look me in the eye anymore but the feeling of care, just for a while, it’s nice. the idea that people want to talk to you or to be around you is warm even if you’re the problem
