Oh I see Siren , you made it loud and clear clear you are actually still here reading my filth.

Why would I not troll you when you cant help but read and react to it?

Neither of us ever learn do we? You do realize Im being a creepy d*** on purpose right?

Since you can’t help yourself, try reading these, I didn’t write em, but they seem appropriate:

“I don’t know what this is. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s getting closer. I can feel it. My chest tightens. I gasp awake from uneasy sleep. Where will I be when it comes? Will I stand straight up? Will I cower? Will I let it rip me apart? I am not a kind person. I do not help. I crumble when I am tested, and I almost always fail. It’s coming, festering with disease. The wind carries it across the open sky and sweeps it across the horizon. One day, I will stand up against the force of my transgressions. One day, it will find me. But today is not that day. I can feel myself slipping. Every night I become something worse. I slip back inside these lies. Nestle back into the comfort of unkindness. I will know one day. I will face the terror. I will scream to god, but no god will answer. Because there is a tiny god inside me. He is petulant. He is screaming. He will crumble when he is hit by the light.”
-Jonny Balduc

“All things truly wicked start from innocence.” Ernest Hemingway

Also check out my spotify playlist. I think you’d like

See you next time I get triggered, or not I guess. I’d prefer you stick to your guns to be honest. I was pretty scared you might actually give in to my demands and I’d have to put all my bodily willpower into never bothering you again for some s*** I’d get bored of eventually, that would probably break my brain even further. Besides, I do so love putting on a s*** show for you. Ain’t this a toxic little dance we keep doing? If I didn’t know better, I might think you actually care a little bit about me and my well-being subconsiously, why else would any person subject themselves to such abuse? That, or you’re just paranoid as f*** and watching me like a hawk. I assume that’s the one, that way I don’t have to ponder the horror of the true horror and implications of my extended evil campaign against you.

You know I ain’t kissed or flirted with a single person since the last time I saw you? That’s how bad I was ruined by meeting you. You know I was in love with you for years right? I had this really unhealthy daydream where me and you both were secretly in love with each other, but that with all the s*** that happened between us, with all the bagge and unkind words, it could never happen. So we just pined endlessly, painfully for each other, only occasionally confirming each other’s suspicions with a little wink or nudge, a nodding reference, some heart-ripping song lyrics. I know now that that was just my own delusions, my deepest desires, but sure as hell not reality. Nothing you were doing had anything to do with me. All references merely imagined. I know that sound’s stupid and unreasonable, but it’s me were talking about. I became addicted to unrequited love. I took comfort in the loneliness and the misery.

Before you made that tiktok, I was finally coming to terms with the reality of the situation. I was making peace with my past. I was dismantling my delusions. I had forgiven you for being human. I was working on becoming a better person, On using all the pain as a motivation for metamorphosis. Then you ignored all my attempts at genuinely moving on and breaking the chain, and you called me a psycho and laughed in my face. Something inside me broke that day. Then less than a week later, one of the best man I’ve ever known, my role model, died. More broken pieces.

Monsters cry too. I know I deserved the kick in the teeth after all the s*** I did to you, that I don’t deserve healing, to move on, to love myself, but was it worth 3 months of me going completely off the rails? What did you expect to happen? I’m sorry if you thought my attempts at grieving were disconcerting or weird to you, but what can I say, I’m an abnormal f****** guy. I’m sorry for all the lashing out at you I did these last couple months over that tiktok.

I AM evil you know, I’m consumed with lust, I like weird k**** s** and im f****** obsessed with piss of all things, talk about losing the fetish lottery. I don’t like being told no. When I don’t get my way I throw a tantrum. I violate interpersonal boundaries and then act like a victim when I’m held accountable for my needling. I harass people. I make people cry. I’m a slothful waste of space. I have no personality. I expect to always be forgiven. I like humiliating people I don’t like, I can do horrible things and justify it to myself by dehumanising the people I go after. I use single use plastics. I do nothing to combat the evil in the world around me that is very apparent.

But there’s good in me too. I’m loyal as s***, I’ll risk my life without thinking about it for people I care about. I have a consience that kicks in when I’m dealing with 95% of people. I’ve given up my life to take care of my parent. I am a depressed insane monster, but I still have it in me to console my friends through their depression. I will always admit that I’m wrong. I will always apologise first. I will always forgive people. I will always pay my debts, and I will always keep my promises. I will always start again, not because I deserve it, but because people need me.

Anyways, I’m not gonna waste this small window of lucidity typing you a f****** novel, I’m gonna go listen to music and try to feel something other than angry, depressed, or h**** in an attempt to have a breakthrough. Hopefully my new therapist can help me unpack all this b*******. I gotta be careful not to tell her too much, so that’s gonna be fun. I’ll probably be back here tommorow when I wake up to hurl hate at you, that’s just my normal state of mind these days.