I hate myself I tried to write this multiple times and can’t do it hardly so now I’m just saying what I feel and confessing to the things that I’ve done that I hate myself for So This Is My Confession just to be warmed this is going to have heavy s***** content of that nature in this so if you do not want to read about bad illegal s***** things do not follow-on I don’t know if this is normal but I know that I have very intrusive s***** thoughts when I was just a living years old I had done some things with two of my pet animals at the time I don’t remember knowing what I was doing really I just remember being curious and I don’t know it just didn’t feel wrong at the time I didn’t know that it was wrong believe it or not that’s not an excuse maybe I did and I just don’t remember but I basically forgot about it until I turn I think 13 maybe even 12 and I realized that what I had done was Unforgivable I hated myself for basically cry myself to sleep every single night when I went to the shower I would start to cry if no one was around I would cry because I was so guilty for the things that I’ve done I hated myself I didn’t think I deserve to live for what I’ve done and finally I knew that if I didn’t say something I would probably end up killing myself so I told my dad what I had done and I remember when I was telling him I tried to sugarcoat it and I remember him being so accepting of it and saying that no matter what I done he still loves me and that we all make mistakes and that that it’s normal to be curious about those things especially when you just hit puberty and I remember being sad that he didn’t hate me so I told him more and he still didn’t hate me just accepted me then hard time I was crying and I was Torn to Pieces about what I done and I even lied and made it sound worse cuz I wanted him to hate me for what I had done but he didn’t ever since that day I had vowed never to do anything like that again and I I kept telling myself I wouldn’t and I’ve been sleeping and it forget about it but I accepted it I accepted who I was and I slowly began to forgive myself cuz if my own dad could why couldn’t I forgive myself and I was for the most part normal for three or four years I was a very s***** person during those years I know it’s normal for kids that go through puberty to m********* a lot but that was my wife that’s what I used to forget about my life I hated my life and that just made it easier to accept to m********* and I would probably do it any worse from 4 to 10 times a day I would do it all the way into the night to stay up all night doing it especially on the weekends off school and in summer eventually when I turned sixteen I started having horrible thoughts I was fantasizing about fake r*** not real r*** maybe they’re the same thing I don’t know but I know I was fantasizing about it and I found some videos on the internet and I masturbated to those a couple times and then after each time I would I would hate myself for it but I would tell myself it’s fine it’s normal people have this fantasy it’s not like they’re actually being right it’s consensual non-consent real s** but then I started to understand that even if it was real right I still would have kept going m*********** I mean and I E began to hate myself even more than I already did and I swear I would never watch it again and then couple months will pass Maybe and I would watch the game and then all over again I would proceed to hate myself and I would talk for a month or two and I would start doing it again and the more I done it the more it became normalize to me and the more I would fantasize about doing these days and so I started seeing it as something that wasn’t wrong but it was I knew it was wrong but in the moment I could actually imagine me doing it to a person and acting like it was real not like it was just a form of power play Just For Fun you know but like I actually wanted to do it until after I would have an o***** and I guess that post nut Clarity would hit me and I would hate myself well and I already did and I would and then I stopped I stopped for quite a while this time after I realized I was actually imagining it and I wanted to stop myself from doing and I wanted to help myself and stop but most recently Autumn b********** p*** again678 and so I watched some b********** p*** and I would come to it and afterwards I would feel horrible again and then I’ve done it a couple more times a day and then it started a normal eyes in my head you know like it wasn’t wrong black if the dogs wasn’t fighting back or something it wasn’t wrong if the dogs acted like they locked in it was wrong or the horses for example I would watch horses and I locked watching it and I didn’t think it was wrong I knew it was wrong deep down but I told myself that to hide from the truth that I’m a horrible f****** person so I am saying all this to hope that I will quit if anything seems like it’s been written wrong it’s because I’m using a speech to text program and I have a country accent it it doesn’t get everything completely well so if you don’t understand any of this I’m sorry I guess I don’t think anybody would want to hear it up at this but if someone else is out there that’s like me maybe there is still hope for us maybe we can fix ourselves I’m sure we’ll always have these fantasies of doing anything that’s even slightly illegal cuz it’s not even the animals that I’m going to try to to it’s the fact that it’s wrong it’s the fact that it’s Taboo it’s the fact that I know that shouldn’t lock it I know that it’s wrong and that turns me on until after I get the job done and then I hate myself again all over for it and it’s becoming the self-destructive cycle that’s just tearing my life apart and making me feel like I don’t deserve to live any longer but I’m done with it has to be I have to be done with it cuz I can’t keep going on like this I have to stop and I hope I will have the strength to stop and if I don’t I’m afraid that I might end up doing something stupid but I believe I will have the strength to this time if you actually read all this thank you for listening to my confession story I don’t know what this is but I had to get it off my chest and I had to tell someone I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m going to try and fix it