I’ve been going to therapy for two months now and it has helped with some things, but the biggest problem I’ve only hinted at and I’m really afraid to talk about it “on the record.” Ive implied my stepdad abused me phyically when I was 12-16 before he died in a car accient, which he did a little, but mostly what he did was molest me and I’m really ashamed to talk about it, not because of what I did to him but what I’ve done since. Whenever my mom was gone or drunk blacked out He’d come up with some reason to spank me as punishment, and he’d do that until he got hard and then would force me to do oral,
telling me I was pretty but also that it was all I was good for. I know how wrong it was now that I’m older (22) but when he died I felt so guilty and lonely like I had killed him. I honestly think it would be hard to talk about but i think i could tell my therapist that, but I’m terrified to tell her what I’ve done since. Because after he died I would get depressed and would go to one of the gas stations near the highway or to one of the big supermarkets or the mall and people watch until I would see a guy who was 30 or 40ish and definitely was married or had kids but was just a tourist or passing through, wait until he was alone to do something without his family and would corner them wearing something obviously slutty and not at all how I normally dressed and offer to go down on them in the bathroom or behind the dumpster. About half of guys say no to their credit, but alot take me up on it and most want to have s** with me too and I’ve let them, most without protection unless they ask for it, although I’ve been on birth control. Since he’s died I’ve done this at least 100 times or more, no one knows, I keep it total secret, I guess I’m super lucky I haven’t caught anything serious. I feel guilty after a while but it makes me feel so much better while I’m doing it I cant stop, even though it’s only once every few weeks. I’m really afraid if i say something that I’ll be arrested for something even though i dont know what or I’m worried they’ll commit me. I feel like I should tell my therapist though, do you think she’d understand and actually help? She seems ok but I dont trust doctors very well.