5 years
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I can’t believe the person I used to be. I wanted to be a good person so badly that I faked it. I made up so many lies and I’m horrified and disgusted that I did it. It went on for so long..way too long. I felt like I needed to keep people’s attention with drama or they wouldn’t love me. Now I have to live with this albatross of guilt every day and I deserve to. I stopped lying 5 years ago but it will always haunt me. I can’t believe I did it. I deserve to be exposed but I don’t think I can live if I am. But that’s the coward in me talking. If I am exposed then I deserve to live with the crushing shame.
I was so used to being manipulated and abused by my family that lying became an escape. I imagined whole worlds where I could be angelic and good and people would want to rescue me. Unbelievably selfish. There is no excuse, no matter what my childhood was like. I would do anything to take it all back. The people in my life don’t and never have deserved it..all the b.s. I put them through. It’s disgusting of me. I don’t know why it took me so long to see how wrong it was..I was addicted to being a fantasy of a person. The real me isn’t so great. I get angry and I have secret desires and I am not the pure and innocent thing I wish I was. I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to be truly good.

New Confession

Many mornings i sit on my front porch with coffee and a cigarette as a relaxing way to watch the world wake up. This morning i was doing so with the residual taste of the male runner i orally please (usually weekly but sometimes more frequently) still clinging in my throat. An older couple was on ther morning walk today, i see them occasionally. She was the usual casual wave and good morning but he did not even glance my direction. She called him out on it and told him to at least say good morning, and they were on their way again. As they walked away he turned and looked back at me with an uncertain ezpression on hia face I hope she did not give him grief later, because i know why he was acting awkwardly. About six weeks ago he made his first visit to my back yard shed to take his own pleasure in my mouth. It was actually emotional for him because he had not gotten any relief in a very long time. I told him he was welcome any time. But like many older married men he was truly suffering the guilt and shame of taking his pleasure in a man’s mouth and for being unfaithful to his wife. But naturally after getting the incredible pleasure i gave him as i reverently worshipped his hard hungry male flesh…he told me during and after that he had no idea such pleasure existed…his guilt and remorse and shame got to him and after a couole of weeks i assumed he would never return. But sure enough, i eventually saw him on a morning solo walk and he came up to me unable to even speak or ask, and i simply had him follow me to my back yard shed and without speaking i gave him what he needed again. And of course afterwards despite his enjoyment in the moment, he was in tears again and said he could never do this again. But a week later, he was back for more. Then again a few days after that This is where we are at as i saw him on his walk with his wife this morning. I have sincere empathy for his inner crisis, and he kmows if he comes back for more he will get it time and again. I know it sounds arrogant but i know eventually he will come back again and again. Not because i am conceited but because i simply know men and the type of man that seeks what i give them on my knees. He will come back because they all do eventually this is simply how some men get what they need and i enjoy giving it to them for a host of reasons…..from the diary of a closet neighborhood cocksucker

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