I am only a couple of years from approaching my 30’s with Aspergers Syndrome. On the outside, i seem like a nice guy, but in reality i am not, i have lived a life of shame. I want to be a good person but i am not.

I have always lead an introverted life, choosing to stay home. At first i thought i was sure of my emotions but when i grew up i became a little detached, i use to quote so much stuff from different shows to make others laugh but i also think about other shows to help me identify what i am feeling which has made me feel like the emotions i feel are fake because i am thinking about the show, My therapist told me that my Aspergers makes it hard for me to identify my feelings.

My brother as autism (Hes on the other side of the spectrum) he has alot of melt downs which involves him hurt himself and other people and we clash alot to the point where we hit each other (My parents tried anything and yet at age 21 we still have trouble). When my brother has meltdowns sometimes it gets my father angry when hes drunk, to the point where he hurts my brother, walks to the next room and smash chair or something (i think of dad as a good person but thats how he is).

I work part time at a job where i do s*** all, but i feel like i am not prepared for the full time work. I feel like i lack energy and that being in full time work will put me in situation i am not comfortable with.

The worst part, my s***** feelings are out of control. When i was high school i was desperate to f*** i use to try and hump my dogs and try to have them have s** with each other (I never penetrated them but it doesn’t matter).Since my high school years i have gotten pedophilic thoughts especially for girls in their early teens (especially for one of my younger cousins) that i wish i didnt have,i think i blame anime because i got into anime which got me into h***** which got me into very specific lolicon p*** (which i have been trying to distance myself from) but maybe something else is fucked up like how i can’t get over the fact the my mind is still in high school despite me graduating years ago. I am also into r*** p*** (Again trying to distance myself from it but i use auto story generators like Ai dungeon to try and sort them out).

I really want to move on from what i have done in the past and try to sort out these feelings but i am not sure how, I am not sure how i can move on being this person. i wish i could rewind time to stop all of this but i can’t and now i am scared, i am scared of my dead grandparent looking down on my realising the monster i am, I am scared to tell anyone about this because they will just see me as another criminal.

I am scared to go to a psychotherapist because i feel like the minute i tell them about my head they will force me into a mental asylum and spill everything to my parents or some file they will keep (Due to the whole “If you dont feel safe, i will call someone”).

What do i do? i know i am a problem, Should i just kill myself?