I have been a hard drinker for the last 5 to 6 years, been to the hospital an rehabs a bunch of times had two years clean during that time an then relapsed, I came clean about that an kinda went back an forth for a while, a week or two without an then a month with for almost a year. Finally hit a point a month ago where I almost died again. Decided to go back to NA and do it how I did it before because I know I am an addict. I made it two weeks then started using other stuff, I been doing that for the last 15 days, everyone has no idea because it’s not my normal MO, I’m going to a meeting tomorrow to pick up my 30 days, I haven’t drank but I haven’t been clean what so ever. I don’t know why I am doing this all, I feel comfortable in the pain, other days I realize how much of a lie all of this is. I have actually been happy but I know there isn’t a good end to this, I am sure I will tell my support system sometime soon but who knows when or what will happen that gives me that kick to do so. At least now I can work and do my daily stuff, With alcohol I would just get sick an isolate or say f*** it to everything, now I rationalize my using with the comparison of how I once was, instead of just staying clean, definitely a liar if I pick up my 30 day tomorrow, but I know I am going to, I feel like I need it to help me with staying away from alcohol, I’m sure the current stuff will end up leading me back though, don’t know why I think about using all day each day but I know my path will show itself, just gotta try an be better.