I lost my virginity at eleven years old to my second cousin. We lived in the same household at the time and he was only a year older than me. We weren’t home alone our grandparents were downstairs cooking but he showed me a p*** video and asked if I wanted to try it. I remember it hurting so bad I started crying. Instead of stopping he continued shoving a pillow in face to stop my cries so our grandparents wouldn’t hear us. When he was finished he told me to put my shorts on. I walked downstairs and there was a blood stain on my shorts I was scared my grandmother was going to scold me but she congratulated me thinking I had gotten my period. It continued until my family moved out before my thirteenth birthday. But everytime we went back to visit we’d do it. In the closets, the bathroom, His room. I’m in my Junior year of high school and he just graduated and we still do it. He’ll come by our house say hello to my parents and tell them we’re going to our similar friends house but in reality we’re just gonna go f***. I feel so guilty doing this. I feel dirty and disgusted. I hate myself and constantly think about how different my life would have been if this hadn’t happened. But I can’t help but succumb to pleasure. Every Time he’d call me I can’t help but go. I know this is unhealthy and I really do hate myself I don’t know what to do anymore.